Fabz: Sharpening and Specializing

Happy person in-training

2007-03-15T17:28:00.000-04:00

The human mind has a great capacity to delude itself.

We get used to being unhappy.

We get used to being in pain.

We can live years without realizing that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way our life has turned out. It took me 24 years just to acknowledge to myself that ‘I'm not happy’.

I need to get used to being happy. My general state of being was one of anxiety, fear and insecurity; one of escape into a fantasy world where I'm perfect, and one of an inability to face reality.

I need time to become accustomed with the fact that I shouldn't depend on anyone, that I have to take action and that I'll make mistakes in the process.

Get used to being successful. People will envy you. Weak ones will fawn all over you and will seek your reassuring shadow, same as I was not so long ago. I hate it when people become weak like this around me, it makes me feel uneasy. I must stop seeing it as such, and basically not care.

When successful, people will notice you, and will try and shake you. Men will try to invade your frame, and women will test you to see if you are the real deal. And they will all cheer when you fall, except the few precious ones, the loved ones and the true friends.

I need to assimilate the concept of being attuned to my desires, to what I like to do, and to the fact that I have the RIGHT to act and change things if I'm unhappy. I'm allowed to impose my will on the physical world to get what I want.

There will be clashes with other personalities, and that is OK. I will be misunderstood and criticized. People will discourage me and make fun of me. They will attempt to impose their view of the world, and of what is right or wrong. I must get used to that fact, and become stronger so that I can be able to not allow any one's frame to change mine. In the same manner, I will naturally attempt to force my world-view onto others, and strong willed ones will remain unaffected.

Basically, I'm learning to take my place in the world, to exercise my will, that I CAN and SHOULD exercise my will, my perception of people's feelings be damned!

I have to internalize the concept that I was sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of others. For the longest time, I've perceived my happiness as inversely proportional to that of others, which has made me try to be as unremarkable and as externally ‘polished and formless as possible. Basically I had no character. I was described once as someone who 'smiles all the time'. Enough said.

I'm just learning to give myself value, and to dissociate my happiness with that of others. There should be a core of happiness, of identity in each one of us, that is inviolate and fully unreachable by anyone. No matter what people are around you, we should be solid on the inside.

I should finally get used to the fact that I will fail many times, that I'll be wrong and will have to review my ideas and thoughts and beliefs. In life, an adult man knows that shit will happen. The difference between a boy and a man is that the man has accepted that fact. He has accepted that he might get cancer, that he might be betrayed, or fail miserably. A boy will be scared of the nightmarish potential future, will cry for injustice and will run to a father/mother figure to hide in the hopes that things will go away, or that someone will take care of the problems. A man does not worry, for he knows that shit WILL, in fact, happen in his lifetime. It is not a matter of if, but of when. That's why the true strong man is not afraid at present, because he has assimilated that reality of the world.

A man live in the present time fully and completely, enjoying his life and actively seeking to achieve his desires.

And when shit strikes,

Well, he is a man. He will deal with it.

That's what men do. We know there will be pain and hard times, and we deal with them to the best of our capacity when they happen.

Alone, with no certainty of success, with no one to whom to run for cover and protection, nakedly exposed, a man will face his problems with a clear mind and with a clear flame of self-sustaining, self-sufficient life force burning fiercely inside him.

And when faced with insurmountable odds, when things look desperate, a strong mature man will throw everything he has, and scream a giant and rebellious FUCK YOU to the world. And if he has to go down, well then so be it.

That's it.

It's a long process, one of a difficulty I've underestimated, and one that provides its own share of pain. But that's the training necessary to be happy.

I’m thus a happy person in-training.

Welcome to the world.

Im going out tonight

2007-03-02T19:49:00.000-05:00

In trying to gain more control over my life (the source of happiness in my current understanding of the world), I've decided that I should ask guys to go out with me to sarge, not the other way around.

So tonight I called a friend to be a sarging buddy.

I took this from Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged (I think) : Everything a man (as opposed to a boy) does has a purpose.

I should write a post about my theory of what differentiates a boy from a man, and how it applies to my current life.

Anyway, remember the general rule: One is supposed to generally feel good about himself.

To do that I must identify my current state (angry, anxious, afraid, etc..). I must then clean it of all negativity.

Then replace with the basic rule of life, of feeling good about oneself.

I detach myself of any external source, i.e. I recenter myself :

Become aware of your body, and relax it.
Become aware of your thoughts, and clean them up.
Go deep and FEEEL good about yourself.

Then I can ask myself, unclouded by external influence :"What do I want?".

I want to go out, and behave in a controlled manner in a club or bar. That means I want to talk to people, be social, not be limited by fear, but rather own my environment, expand my control space, and just enjoy myself. I want to be able to flirt with women, and generally evolve through the night in a club without feeling any negative thought

Not having any fear in a social situation implies not being jumpy or overly reactive to any external input. This is a challenge for me as I become overexcited with the energy of a crowd. According to the Myers-Briggs test, I'm a highly extroverted person. In a sarging context, that's not always a good thing.

So anyways, concentrate of being calm and unreactive.

Also, concentrate on identifying immediate desires, such as:
-Not to laugh too much, and only when I feel like it. With my friends, when I'm nervous and grow passive, I smile and laugh too early, too much. This takes me out of my positive controlled state because I'm not acting according to my true emotion of the moment.
-I see a set I like, or a woman passing by me, and I want to interact with them. The should be an immediate desire-action linkage in me. I see something I want => I take action. No doubt or questions or self-analysis. Just do it.

Always, always always be focused on myself. No matter the outcome of any interaction, I get out of it unaffected, because I am obeying my immediate desire, and I don't let external factors affect me.

Be selfish, constantly monitor your thoughts and desires, and TAKE ACTION. This is the rule of lie. Desire -> ACT. Desire -> ACT.

As a practical objective tonight, let's see how much I can remain in state throughout the night, and how I feel about myself immediately afterwards, and the next day.

F.

Mantra

2007-03-02T19:22:00.000-05:00

I'm still often paralysed by fear an anxiety. I just wake up some day and feel unable to act.

My guess is it's because I slide into a negative frame. One that attaches a lot of anxiety on any action or decision. Instead of the frame : "I want to do this, this is my desire, it's gonna be great, I'm excited about the idea of taking action and stepping that much closer to what I want", I'm afraid of what will happen, of failure, of success, of having to deal with success and the "burden" of expectations.

For decades, I've been in an anxiety frame. One that put me in a passive state. I used to avoid making decisions as much as possible, and always (unconsciously looked for a dominant male figure in my social groups. Those guys would be the ones making decisions, and I would follow, safe in their shadows).

The problem is that one gets used to a way of living, even if the frame makes you unhappy. I used to compensate my passive life and general lack of purpose and lack of enjoyment of my life by escaping. I developed very strong daydreaming scenarios, in which I would be perfect and all powerful. Also, masturbation was (and still is) a powerful escape mechanism, providing me with instant pleasure.

Jerking off is like a drug at times, I get instant pleasure, and escape from the present. And like a drug, the inevitable return to reality leads to momentary depression, lack of energy and daydreaming.

I used to read a lot as well, especially science-fiction and fantasy types. They are excellent escape mechanisms. A good sign in recent times is that I feel less and less of a desire to read new books. I started growing disinterested with them, something I see as a sign of improvement.

However, I'm still very often plagued by 'bad days', where negative thoughts paralyse me, and make me feel stressed out and anxious about nothing in particular. That's the power of it, that it's so vague a feeling that I often don't realise I'm sliding into it.

I think I need to gain more control of my thought processes. Of the words that course through my brain, and I think I need to do them via repetition.

The author Osho, as well as other sources, have helped me for form a general set of guidelines and life concepts. These are general rule on how I should view life. I wrote them in an older post.

The banter post

2006-12-05T11:05:00.000-05:00

I'll use this post tp put all te banter stuff I can fun/invent.

This is an excerpt taken from the PU101 blog.

November 26, 2006
Make Banter Work for You Every Time
Our instructors are constantly posting solid-gold advice on our VIP Coaching Lounge. If you're not a member already, you are missing out on a chance to get real-time coaching from the best in the business.
Just to show you what you are missing, today we're going to share another amazing insight from pickup coach extraordinaire Sean Deacon (visit his blog at blog.seandeacon.com), who follows up on his rules for SMS game with the guide to get you having fun, and succeeding, with Banter. Enjoy!
I realized something about banter during the last Art of Attraction Workshop. It came together after hearing something that Lance said when he was introducing the idea of banter to the group. He said (and I paraphrase) that banter is essentially role-playing. The banter line just establishes a role for the two of you that you can then act out in a playful way. If you look at banter in this way, it lends itself to banter INTERACTIONS, rather than the use of banter LINES.
For example, when you call a girl a brat, you are using a banter line. If you assume the role that she is a bratty little sister and you are the cool older brother, then you can go on to say something like,
"you are gonna totally get sent to your room for acting up. And you have to DENY it when all your friends call you up and tell you they think I am cute, OK? I don’t want to be kept up all night hearing your giggles, ok?"
The "classic" banter lines are great, but they are just that, one-liners. You can say "I don't know who your boyfriend is, but he is not spanking you enough", but where do you go from there? What if you assume that you are now a love doctor, and she is a love patient in need of treatment? That sounds pretty fun to me.
Sometimes I will find something in the situation, or something a girl says, and then I will assume a role for her. I then assume a role for myself in relation to that role, and act out those roles.
At the last Art of Attraction Workshop, I ran into a girl that I had met a few weeks earlier. We had been emailing since then, joking about switching jobs, because she had a bad week at work. When I saw her, I told her I had a new job if she still wanted to switch, that I was a go-go dancer. The role set up was now "we are go-go dancers". I asked her what kind of cage she liked to dance in. I told her I got new knee high boots with fur around the top and she better have something cooler than that if she ever wants to be a better go-go dancer than me.
I think most people can see how banter interactions are better than banter lines. If you deliver a banter line, you are just some guy with a funny line. If you can start role-playing, you can have a much more fun and playful interaction.
Some of you may have seen Sean Newman go on after a line like "I am just here to flirt with you". He can keep going and going off of that idea. What he has done here is set up the role that he is an expert flirting teacher, and the girl is a cute student who needs to learn how to flirt. He riffs and riffs off of those assumed roles, and the result is a funny and charming interaction.
I see the PickUp 101 coaches do this all the time. They throw out a line, and keep riffing off of it. What makes it easy to riff off of this is the assumed role-play BEHIND the banter line. Consciously or not, they are playing a certain role, and treating the girl like she has some complementary role, and going from there.
Here's another personal example I have used:
"You are so cute. I just want to take you home with me. You know what we are gonna do? We are gonna make forts out of the couches with the pillows and blankets, and we are gonna play house, and we are gonna watch cartoons, and then mom is gonna bring us some ovaltine, and we're gonna crawl inside our fort to drink our hot ovaltine, and then we're gonna watch cartoons all morning."
The role here is that we are cute little kids together, that we are gonna have a bunch of innocent childish fun together (ever play doctor when you are a kid?).
I have used these examples when flirting with girls. The usual result is giant smiles and laughter.
What I hope that some of you guys will get out of this is how to take banter LINES, and turn them into banter INTERACTIONS.
You can take an existing banter line, assume some roles between the two of you, and then deliver it from that perspective. If you open some girls and spit out,
"I really like it here, I am so well lit!"
That can be funny, but where do you go? Assume the role that she is an artist, and you are the art!
"My god, I should be a sculpture! Are you good at art? Listen, if my cute adorable smile is going to be captured for eternity as a statue, I need a VERY GOOD artist to get it just right. I need that creative flare that I know is hiding behind that big smile you have on your face."
After that, smile, tickle, then drop into some deep rapport, find something unique and special about her that isn't obvious, and fall just a touch in love.
Sean "jaz" Deacon~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~http://blog.seandeacon.com

Lay Report: The ex's best friend

2006-12-04T16:04:00.000-05:00

Yo, I had sex for the second time with a close friend of my ex.

Before I talk about the second time, let's go back and see how it all happened.

A year after my ex and I split up (a couple of months ago), I started thinking that I should make a move on the Friend of the Ex (let's call her FridEx). I felt that she had been attracted to me for a while, even during my relationship, so it was up to me to make things happen.

It's really cool to realise that I have at least assimilated some simple concepts related to relationships with women. In this case, some important points to keep in mind in order to get the lay:

-First and foremost, it is the man that LEADS. I have to make things happen. The way it works, things don't just happen by themselves, the man seizes opportunities and makes it seem like 'it just happened'

-Second important point: Being discreet. In general, women are very fearful for their reputation. Particularly in this case because FridEx, my ex and I are part of the same extended social circle. That means that FridEx is worried about people in general finding out, and the ex in particular because they are really great friends.

Steps to get laid:

First of all, seizing the opportunity. FridEx sent a group email about watching a DVD at her place. I saw that almost no one responded, so I sent an email where I enthusiastically stated how I had always wanted to watch said DVD (no really). A few days later I called her to see what was up with the plan, she said that nobody so far had confirmed. I told her I'd come and will be bringing wine, and that I'll call some people to get them moving.

I brought the wine alright, but conveniently forgot to call anyone of course :-).

At her place, I was totally relaxed and fun, teasing and making jokes, but not flirting. We watched the DVD, and eventually her roommate went to bed. As soon as we were alone, we started talking, and I began the 'accidental' kino (waving my forearm to make a point, and the forearm touching her knees for ex).

I realised we had a seating problem because we were on a big couch and I needed her to get closer. So I proposed that we watch some cool videos online. That's because there was only one chair in front of the desk. I went to sit, she came, I moved and gestured her to sit next to me. I started showing her some of the videos, explaining what they were about. Then I escalated by caressing her hair above her ear. She became quiet, and then said something along the lines of "I can't believe I'm doing this".

For the rest of the night, her ramblings where of three types: "I can't believe I'm doing this" "She's my best friend, I could never forgive myself if she found out." "Promise me you won't tell anyone".

I managed this as best I could, telling her this is our thing (creating a frame where we have our little secret), pretending to back off, and then taking her and kissing her passionately. We ended up in bed, making out like mad (she was horny as hell!) and then she would stop, look at me and tell me "Promise me, promise me, promise me !!", which I obliged, trying hard not to grin or laugh.

So the sex happened. She was so horny she came from penetration soon after.

Afterwards, and the next few days, I kept in touch with her, soothing her, telling her not to worry, that we made a pact never to tell anyone, making her feel special, etc...

All in all, a good experience.

Fast forward to two days ago. I had told her before that I was traveling soon and that it would be good if we could get in touch. She called soon after and mentioned that it 'would be good if we hung out before you travel'. The second degree meanings were loud and clear.

The night of the lay, I called her, asked her what she was up to. She said nothing much, felt like relaxing at home. She "happened" to mention that her roommate was sleeping at her boyfriend's place tonight (the roommate knows the ex, and thus cannot find out about us.).

I saw the opportunity and seized it by asking her if she'd seen a certain movie. She said no. I told her it was a hilarious one, that I had it on cd, and then asked if she had a laptop. She answered yes. (me: "oh that's cool! Hey, I have an idea, let's watch it at your place" lol).

I got to her place, the laptop couldn't play the cd, so we watched tv, then turned it off and started talking about politics, then I touched her hair above her ear...

Then we fucked.

No LMR, no emotional management later on. I got to come on her breasts too. (I came on her hair a bit as well, but don't tell her :-) )

That's it, nice and easy does the trick.

Keys to the lay:

-Seizing opportunities.
-Making things happen, take the lead.
-Deal with logistics.

Cheers,
F.

On making myself feel good

2006-11-30T21:23:00.000-05:00

I was wondering recently how exactly did I come up with the three points related to my inner game priorities. Especially the first one, about making myself feel good.

Now I remember, it's taken from Dimitri (The Approach) who has great stuff on natural game.

I've taken the following excerpt from Psyneh's blog :

This time its a post written by Dimitri which focus on feeling good.. enjoy!

Now more than ever, I can point my finger to exactly one part of the Western society woman, and tell you what she is looking for:

To feel good.

It's it. That simple. The vast majority of women in the West want to feel good, and will evaluate most decisions in those terms. Any perceived attempts by a man, or another woman, to make her feel bad will cause resentment. She will think the person is less valuable, and relate to him less (bad for value, and attainability - two parts of what create attraction).

In fact, the most attractive men are men that seem to want to feel good, and make others around them feel good. If you're part of the "feel good" club, you will seem more valuable, and women will understand where you're coming from. This is where the basis for one night stands, short term flings, the "thing on the side", and so on come from. Women now turn to marriage with a stable guy when that would make the most sense in terms of feeling good - once social pressure begins to build up that she should be married, once she's grown bored in her career, when she feels children will make her feel good. And even then - she's likely to take a man on the side from time to time. Numbers on how many women have extra-marital affairs are murky and deluded, but regardless of what scale you're using - they're pretty damn high.

Now at this point, many men reading this might be starting to get resentful of women. And any women reading this might become indignant. This is from a lack of communication.

The fact is - the pursuit of good emotions is no more right, wrong, true, untrue, just, unjust, noble or petty than anything else in the world. Life is what you make of it and what you want to make of it, and if you desire is feel good things, then that is fine. In fact, it's a fairly straightforward goal, and not a bad focusing point until you develop other causes in your life you might want to champion (for women, this is often their children as they get older - men usually take on other causes).

If you want to have women in your life, my friend, you need to seem like a "feel good" thing, and in fact, anything you do that portrays you like to feel good and want others to feel good will increase both your value (for obvious reasons) and your attainability (because women can relate to it).

TEN RULES OF FEELING GOOD:

1. Make yourself feel good first.
2. Never try to make anyone feel bad.
3. Try to make everyone around you feel good.
4. Making other people around you feel good makes YOU feel good - even making others feel good is a semi-selfish gesture.
5. You never sacrifice your own good feelings to make another person feel good.
6. You don't feel negative emotions, except when doing so makes you feel good.
7. You don't try to fix problems - you try to make people feel better about them.
8. If it's not your job, don't try to go logical, or linear about issues around. It's not fun.
9. Never look down on anything - be indifferent about stuff that you don't like.
10. If you're failing to keep one of those rules, that's okay as long as you keep the appearance that you're following them.

The ideal kind of fun comes from a leader who engages in "mutual value escalation" - this is where someone makes someone else feel good, and themself feel good at the same time. Why do women love gay guys so much? They follow the feel-good plan, and mutually value escalate a lot.

"OH - MY - GOD! You're SO Pretty!"

You might also note that that almost all of the cultures of the world that are thought to be the most sexual/desired engage in these behaviors - They often greet each other with big hugs, lots of kisses, compliments, and great hosting/entertaining of each other. They play games, dance, and drink together. They want everyone to feel good.

It's simply unacceptable to put someone down unless they're trying to ruin someone's fun. Anyone that's increasing the fun and good emotions around is to celebrated with. Your M.O. for dealing with fun people needs to be joining into the fun - or more accurately, bringing them into your fun. If they're unable to join in having fun with you, THEN you may dismiss them - remember, it's wrong to disdain someone. We simply ignore those who aren't fun, or occasionally have a little fun at their expense.

It's impossible for someone to have fun at your expense if you're someone that follows the culture of having fun. If someone makes fun of you, you laugh, smile, embrace them, joke about it, or make a good retort. But your goal in doing so is to have fun and good emotions, and to make them and everyone else around have fun too. If you want to deal with guys who don't have your best intentions at heart, simply try to have mass amounts of fun with them. They'll either have fun with you and come to have your best intentions at heart (they're now your friends) or they'll miss a step, stop having fun, get offended, et cetra - and they're then cooked.

Out of the cave, going out again

2006-11-26T14:21:00.000-05:00

Ola amigos.

After that little stretch of time I took to close down and recenter myself, I started feeling the urge to go out and meet women again.

I was curious as to whether recent insights about myself will make it easier for me to approach women. Previously, going out wasn't an activity I was enjoying, because I wasn't in my own frame : I would go out because one of my guy friends would want to, I'd appear enthusiastic on the outside, but would feel terrified on the inside.

I would go out because I was supposed to go out.

I would feel anxiety and guilt because I wasn't going out enough, because I wasn't having success, because I'd feel a very strong pressure to perform in front of my male friends. Also, I would be very sensitive to what I'd perceive as people watching me, judging me (i.e. social pressure).

Eventually, after stepping back and gaining perspective, I realised that all my mental frames were wrong:
Prior to the club, I'd feel anxiety, with no real desire to go out. I'd go out because other people wanted to, not because I CHOSE to. Big difference.
At the venue, I would feel very scared. I'd follow the guys I came with wherever they went.

I couldn't make my own decisions, be independent, and focus on myself.

Even worse, I would look for the first excuse to leave (have to catch a bus, whatever). And on the way back, I'd feel relief at having finished with the ordeal. Worst of all, I'd feel like shit and totally unhappy about myself.

But I did not KNOW I felt like that. What is probably a instinctive reflex in other people is something that I'm learning to grasp just know. And that reflex is : Ask yourself how you feel right this instant.

I was living through other people's eyes and frames for so long, that I had forbidden myself to look into myself and my desires, and to give priority to myself. I didn't even know one was supposed to feel good about oneself most of the time, and that feeling good should be my first priority.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize that something was very wrong. Yet again I demonstrate an incredible lack of ability to analyze myself.

Eventually, I understood what was wrong. I finally realised that I'm supposed to LIKE what I'm doing. Quite apart from a perfectly natural approach anxiety/fear of rejection, I should go out based on my DESIRE to meet women, and feel excited and energetic about it.

It's supposed to be fun, and everything I do is supposed to stem from a desire to make myself feel good.

It sounds so obvious now, but I only truly assimilated that concept a month or so ago. Unfortunately, there seems to be a great difference between intellectually understanding something, and actually assimilating and FEELING the concept. I knew all this stuff a long time ago, but didn't really understand them until now.

So even though I can now describe my inner game beliefs in three points, it took a long time of inner searching and probing to finally 'get it'.

Here are my current beliefs:

1) At all times I'm supposed to feel good about myself, at peace in my mind and relaxed in my body. That is my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY, and as such I have to put that concept above all others, and before any other person's feelings. This is how one's supposed to live most of the time, with moments of pain and insecurity being only temporary exceptions to that rule.

2) Feelings of anxiety and guilt are most often the result of me forgetting about my desires, and giving importance to outside sources, such as what people think of me, what people think I should do with my life, what I PERCEIVE people as thinking of me (especially weak on that last one). I see th solution now as detaching oneself from those external sources. I can now visualise (and feel) it when I recenter myself, and push away outside interference.

3) To obey the first rule, and feel good on the inside, I'm supposed to OWN my outside environment. After identifying my desires (I don't like it in here, I feel hot, I want to meet women and have sex, I want to travel, etc...), what is required in order that I feel good is to TAKE ACTION, and go after those things I want. This is what it's all about when we are told to create a strong frame, have one's own reality etc...

That last point is difficult to describe when one hasn't felt it. To those who never had this problem, reading this will seem silly. Those who are only at the intellectual stage of grasping it will nod their heads, maybe write affirmations (like I did) with mixed results. Anyone who is constantly questioning himself will eventually assimilate the idea, but each at his or her own rhythm.

(Now I sound like one of those self-help guru types :-) )

An example of the last point is the club environment. I, like so many guys out there, was/am scared of them, because it was associated with so many anxiety factors, such as:

Pressure to perform (in the eyes of friends and lair bros).
Fear of being rejected by the girls.
Fear of people judging me negatively, laughing and pointing at me. (I call this social pressure, and it's a big weakness of mine).

If you have truly assimilated the 3 points, then you'd go to a club out of a powerful personal urge to meet and flirt with women. When you become so focused on your desires and on pleasing yourself, there won't be a place anymore for 'outside sources' (i.e. what people think, or rather what you perceive other people as thinking of you).

When that mental shift happens, I've found that things become easier (writing a post soon about recent club outings). The second point helps a lot, because by identifying the external sources, you can now mentally detach from them, and emotionally feel like you can keep them at a distance. You can keep them at a distance because the first point now takes up all the space inside of you.

Now I get it when people say 'own the club, feel it like it's your home and your party'. I tried using this affirmation a long time ago, but now I GET IT ! I FEEL IT !

Before, I would feel crushed by the club, and by all the anxieties attached to it. I would really have no inner frame to talk of, and would try to stand out as little as possible because all of my inner self was attached to outside validations.

What a terrible time I've spent in clubs, and in most of my activities, pretending to be there out of my free will. I was living my life based on what I thought I was supposed to do, what other men I shadowed wanted to do, and put everyone's frames before mine. It's no wonder I felt like an empty shell (and still do at times. The process of healing is fucking slow) .

But I can honestly say I feel better these days. It's still too early to scream for a miracle, and it's not like a movie moment, where in one moment I became illuminated and cured. This has been an ongoing LONG process. But I can give some examples of how great it is to have realised that what I feel is my priority, and that taking care of how I feel is what should drive my actions and decisions.

One simple recent example is when I met a big group of guys. We were just hanging out, and a lot were alpha. I realised that a part of me always dreaded hanging out with them because they were so intimidating, so I'd feel a big urge to perform by being cool, and not doing anything that might make them judge me negatively. The last time we met however, things were different.

At first I was tense without realising it. Then I focused on myself and realised I was feeling some anxiety. I did what the author Osho said in the book 'Awareness'. I first listened to my body, and thus noticed that my shoulders were tense and that I was leaning forward. I relaxed my body. Then, I proceeded to calm my mind, by focusing on the now rather that being in the past or the future. Finally, I went deep and focused on my feelings. As a result, I felt a wave of inner calm flow from inside of me.

What a great feeling that was. I felt at peace with myself, and totally relaxed. It felt like a small high. I must've looked a bit silly, feeling slightly giddy, smiling and laughing silently. A good moment.

So yeah, things are definitely looking better, because I've started gaining some control over my inner states: Having first of all identified my priorities, coming to grips with them and ALLOWING myself to put my desires first; having realised anxiety comes from allowing external sources to take up space inside; and finally having understood that I can refocus myself (detaching myself from external validations) and that I can OWN my outside physical environment, as the way to obey my first priority.

It doesn't always work, but it's the right path.

I can feel it.

Cheers,
F.

My current mental reframing

2006-11-14T14:28:00.000-05:00

As a recap of the last post, here are my current three mental ideas :

1) At all times, I must make myself feel good about myself. That is my number 1 priority.

2) I identify when I feel insecure, or have anxiety, and I detach myself from them by recentering myself, and feeling good about myself.

3) I OWN it. Always I own my environment. That's how I can make thing exterior to myself change in a way that will make me feel good.

Now, I've had many of those "key" sentences before. Here's a sample of old ones:

-It's my frame.

-I am not condemned, I don't have to feel anxiety, because I'm trying something, and if I'm not happy, I'm not stuck. I can try something else.

-I am not a loser. I'm not stuck, because I can choose to get out of a situation.

-I don't have to be spectacular, I don't have to be perfect. I can try, and then try again.

The vicious cycle to avoid is the following: Afraid of getting "stuck", i.e. a loser. and thus getting in my cave, feeling depressed with no energy, and feeling paralysed. This paralysis makes me become stuck, as I'm not able to take action. To avoid having to recognize this inaction, I go into daydreaming mode, and in those dreams I am perfect and spectacular. Daydreaming is like a drug, with the high inevitably followed by a return to reality, and the fear and guilt that I'm becoming more and more stuck. I avoid thinking about it even more, and thus the cycle continues....

The way to deal with the cycle is to take action. By taking action, I realise that I can try things. That I'm not condemned, and that it's the trying that matters. What I try can have average results, it doesn't have to be perfect/spectacular. This is what I mean by owning it.

I need to simplify the vicious cycle above, and make it more clear. Maybe another time.

Back from the cave

2006-11-01T19:43:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, it's been a while since I posted.

I've been in my man cave for the last month. I felt I needed to step back from the whole pickup thing.

The reason was that I'd become stuck in a negative frame. Instead of feeling good about myself, about approaching and talking to women, I had developed anxiety due to the pressure to perform.

I felt guilty for not hitting on a girl I saw and liked.

I also felt pressure to "be cool" in front of my friends. Whenever I'd go out with a friend with the intent to pick up women, I would become paralysed by approach anxiety. It wasn't the healthy fear of approaching that everyone feels. It was much stronger than that, and very negative.

Moreover, I'm deeply sensitive to social pressure. It's the pressure of other people observing you and making judgements.

Eventually I realised that I just wasn't enjoying it, that I was forcing myself out of some sort of obligation. All the fun had been replaced by feelings of anxiety, fear, and general insatisfaction. It was mental masochism yet again, and it took me some time to realise that.

Needless to say I didn't have much success with the girls I talked to.

So I took some time out. I realised I had been going on a very wrong path mentally. It was a path full of negativity.

Once I realised that, I started slowing down, and looking inwards to get some perspective.

First of all, I forgot that all these things I do have one purpose: to please me. It is all about me, not about others. Yet I feel this pressure when I'm around people, this fear of them judging me in a negative way. Why is that?

I know the answer, it's related to my inner game issues. My insecurities have as a consequence that I seek validation from others. However, it is all MY perception of how people see me. So if I go and walk up to a girl, and it doesn't work out, then I feel as if they look at me in a negative way, and that's something difficult for me to shake off.

When a friend calls me and we make plans to go out, I start feeling fear, pressure, and anxiety. So all my smiles when I meet the friend, and my boasting and my exterior coolness, all my declarations of "yeah, let's go get some chicks, let's have some fun", are LIES.

Yep, it's all untrue.

It's bullshit.

It's all FAKE.

The truth? I don't really want to go out, because I'm TERRIFIED.

I'm afraid of people.

Once I'm at club/pub, I use the first excuse I can find to leave. I feel scared before and while talking to chicks, and I feel lie shit afterwards regardless of the outcome.

I always feel bad after a night out. There is this lingering unease that I carry with me. It's NOT supposed to be like that! Why did it take ma so long to figure that out?

The solution? 3 things:

-I need to relax and regain some perspective.

-I need to recenter myself around myself. Focus on ME. What do I want? What are my desires?

-I need to own my environment.

These three points are the results of the reflections of the past weeks.

I have been unhappy when I was going out, because I was going out with the wrong frame. I was going out for the wrong reasons. Because my friends ask me to go out, I feel the obligation to do so.
More fucked up is the fact that the weak me generates guilt, and uses this guilt to drive me to go out.

This is classical me psychology. With regards to going out and sarging, I've fallen into the same old trap of doing an activity, not because I want to, but because I feel I HAVE to, for some fucked up reason. That's what I mean by being in the wrong frame.

Basically, the thought processes happening in my brain are very negative, and perpetuate a cycle of guilt, anxiety and pressure.

That's why I needed some time out, to realise the trap I had thrown myself into.

I need to break the cycle, take a deep breath, feel good about myself, and obey my desires.

I need to reframe my thought processes, and get my desires and priorities straight.

My name is Fabz. I am a man.

I have desires, and these desires are my priority.

My priority is to make myself FEEL GOOD about myself, at all times.

At ALL TIMES, the single most important thing, and what I need to focus the most about, is how I FEEL.

At any time, I must ask myself: "How do I feel in this instant", and the answer should always be: "I feel good about myself internally, and externally I'm enjoying this activity".

If I don't feel good about myself , then SOMETHING IS WRONG. Since I am my most important priority, I need to take a mental step back and ask myself why do I feel uncomfortable.

It is UNACCEPTABLE that I do not feel comfortable. If I do, then I must fix the situation, and that is my priority.

If I feel internal anxiety, I identify it and defuse it. These anxieties are usually related to other people, and me worrying about other people. That "other" is UNIMPORTANT compared to myself, and by reminding myself of that, I can defuse the tension.

I must learn to dissociate myself from this "other". That is so hard for me, yet so crucial.

If I feel anxiety or discomfort because of something in my surroundings, then it's my obligation to fix it, to TAKE ACTION. This happens often because I become passive, lose initiative for fear of being judged, and thus do not give myself any sense of value or self-worth.

This happens to me SO often. That's the problem. It was such a part of my life to feel uncomfortable and anxious that I didn't even know I felt this way. It's like when there is a continuous buzzing sound. After a while we forget about the sound, and only notice it when it's turned off.

I need to constantly be aware of that inner sound. I must constantly be probing into that inner buzz and become aware of how exactly I feel.

That is the right path, and that mental exercise consists at any time of three steps.

a) First of all, RELAX. Take a deep breath. Then another.
Get some distance from everything around you.
Slow Down.......Slower......slower.
Get some perspective. Ask yourself: "What am I doing here, why am I doing it? And am I enjoying it?"

b) Repeat this sentence and FEEL IT: "I need to feel good about myself right this instant"
"Why am I not feeling good right now? What are the reasons?"

Identify the reason. There will probably be some anxiety, pressure or guilt/shame inside me. And those feelings are due to a person other than me that is affecting me. I am giving too much importance to that "other", and that is WRONG.

Detach yourself from this anxiety by recentering yourself. "It's all about me, NO ONE ELSE".
FEEL the "others" going away and disappearing from your consciousness. There is only me inside, and that is beautiful and right.

c) TAKE ACTION. OWN THE SITUATION. Take initiative to correct this situation. At any time, because I am a FREE MAN, I can take steps to change something that makes me uncomfortable, be it internal (negative state) or external (people I don't like, need to please, passive, uninterested in activity, etc...)

What I want is IMPORTANT!! It's SACRED.

Own the moment. Feel good about owning it, about yourself. Create this bubble where you are owning it, where your every desires are applied, and feel good about it. I have the RIGHT to feel good, and to change whatever I do not feel good about.

FEEL EXCITED ABOUT OWNING IT, about CONTROLLING and being ACTIVE.

LOVE EVERY MOMENT, and feel the energy coursing through your veins.

That is the way. Enjoy it. Enjoy yourself.

F.

LR....About time too

2006-08-10T18:13:00.000-04:00

Hey guys, first LR on this blog!

I was at a house party, with no intention of sarging hard, but rather to practice being the social butterfly. Even though I knew almost no one, I ended up talking with most people. There was this girl, HBgerman, who seemed cute. I say "seemed" because I had too many beers to really remember her face hehe.

I didn't pull any particular game on her. Rather I stood up from the crowd by doing the little non-afc things. For example, I was leading convo in a group, and a guy I was talking to wasreplying when she interrupted by saying something to me. Of course, I gently llfted my hand to tell her to wait until I was done with the guy.

By contrast, there were a lot of AFC guys around. Like this almost-40-year-old who was standing there like a wallflower not contributing anything, and when HBGerman barely mentioned that her beer was almost empty, he silently goes to the fridge, and brings her a beer. (guess who's NOT getting laid much?)

Anyway, I e-mail closed her and the little one-on-one convo we had was great fun coz she has a cool sense of humor. After that, we had a long string on back-and-forth email exchanges, but couldn't meet due to her and my busy schedules. All the exchanges were light and fun, no pressure, we had this on-going joke that we should fire our respective secretaries for incompetence.

Finally, we meet at the same house again. Funny thing is, I remembered her as a short, kinda chubby brunette.

........ Turns out she's a tall, cute and slim blue-eyed redhead !!

Isn't alcohol supposed to make them look prettier?? lol

Now we can call her HB8, and she's an 8 in my book coz I prefer brunettes.

Anyway, nothing much happened that night, but she sent me an email to ask me to participate in research she is doing, where I would have to go to her lab three times. The second time at the lab, we decided to do something afterwards. Here is where I noticed that afc behavior can creep in silently, and one can lose momentum. I wasn't leading enough. We first had beers with her other lab partners (I said "ok only one beer", and we had 3!). Then we walked to her place because she had to put her bike there. My plan was to take her to a park because the weather was so nice. I thought her place would be ok, hoping we would be alone.

Of course we weren't alone! she lives with 4 other people. That was just dumb AFC wishful thinking.

At her place, we started conversation with two people there, and I noticed she was getting sleepy. At one point I told her discreetely: "You and me, let's talk, one-on-one, your room". She said no, adding that it was "weird". I get a little pissed, but instead of fully reverting to AFC behavior (by sulking or being needy or pushy), I subtly ignored her by taking control of the conversation with the other two guys. I was dominant, and she wasn't part of it because she was too sleepy and it didn't concern her. I noticed her peeking at me after a while.

It looks as if I had this ignoring-her part planned on purpose to reestablish attraction. The reality is that I was pissed at her, which is the AFC feeling I get when I screw up. Still, it worked, she sent me emails apologising about how tired she was. I replied by telling her to call me the next day, which she did, on time. As we were again trying to setup a meeting, I knew she was still very attracted because she was very compliant with everything I was asking (calling me on time, telling her to know her schedule properly before calling me, notify me if she's gonna be late, etc).

I was again in full control.

Now, in parallel, I was doing some reevaluation of my game. And I noticed that Im very impatient on my day2s. For me, the day2 was when I was going to have sex, even though there would be next to no qualifying done, and absolutely no comforting and connecting. I lost several targets because of that.

So yesterday, as I was meeting her, I made a point of calming myself, and of aiming for two things: establishing comfort, and escalating the kino, with a makeout as the final thing. I managed all that. I asked and related with topics about her family, country, relationship with brothers. I did a little cold reading, etc...

The kino wasn't so good though at first, I only did some small touching during convo.Eventually I leaned back on my chair, and put my arm on the back of her chair. It felt very natural. From there I started playing with her long hair. Then I just kissed her on the cheek. Eventually we started making out. At first they were short, then longer. Between each I would step a little back and say something irrelevant: "Yes, beautiful day isn't it?". That made us both smile and more relaxed.

From there on the kino was great, and I suggested after a while that we continue making out at her place (which was really close by), but that I couldn't stay long.

We went back to her place and had sex :-)

So there it is. Not super tight game, but I was able to recover from some mistakes, and not screw up too much, which is a part of having game.

In conclusion, and after the sex, I tried debriefing her:

Me: "What happened on that day you said it was weird?"

Her:"One of the guys there likes me a lot, and I felt weird about going to my room with you in front of him."

(Note to self : a guy that seems quiet and relaxed and alpha can actually be afc and needy. That guy was playing it cool, and I didn't see through him)

Me:"Did you notice one time in the lab when I tried to kiss you but was hesitant?"

Her:"Yeah i did. Plus I would've felt awkward anyway, because I didn't really know you"

(proof of the importance of comfort building)

Cheers guys,
F.

HB 30 years old

2006-07-08T10:57:00.000-04:00

I was in a coffe place, waiting for the time to meet my friends to watch the movie Superman. I had a view of the counter, and saw this blond girl, HB7.5. She looks at me, I look at her, and we smile. She walks to her place way behind me. So I stand up, walk straight up to get a napkin, then turn and go back to my place. That got me to see that she was sitting alone. I had spent a good part of the day sarging, so I just walked to her and said hi. We introduced ourselves, and I number closed her immediately and told her i couldn't stay because my friends were waiting (and, as a man, my friends are important to me).

Fast forward to the day2:

I don't know why, but my frame was super good. I was very relaxed, and was able to vibe with her while analysing the situation as it unfolded. It's amazing how much brain power is lost when one is nervous.

At first I wanted to just do regular talk: "what you do, where u from, how long in Montreal, etc.". I felt this to be necessary because I really had no clue who or what she was, and teasing her would appear too forced out.

She tested me gently in several ways:

1-she asked me my age, i made her guess (she said 27,I'm 25). she made me guess hers, I guessed low on purpose at 26, and she said she was 30!.

(what is it with me and older women?)

The testing part was that she wanted to see my reaction:
I was totally reactionless, she could've scratched her nose for all I cared. I just said "cool" and carried on with the convo.

Even better, it allowed me to raise my value two times:

Once ,she mentioned some AFC friends of hers who told her "I bet you were very pretty when you were younger" (ouch). I paced her mood and commented on how clueless some guys are about women. I went to a true story on how I screwed up WAY BACK when I was ten and told a girl I'd forgotten her name, and that the mean look the girl gave me stayed with me since.

I then told another story on my norwegian ex-gf, who is 28 (implying I date older women)., and how we ended our it because we both didn't want a long distance relationship, but that we still hook up when we meet (sexual man frame)

2-She asked me if I always pick up women like I did with her, just by a smile and #closing. I again was very relaxed. I spoke to her in a way that fully expressed the reality I (supposedly) live in: that of a natural who is, and always has been, fully comfortable with himself as a sexual man, and who expresses it openly.

Of course, that wasn't what I said.

I told her: "of course, I smile to people all the time, why shouldn't I? It's amazing how afraid some guys are of just smiling to random people. What's gonna happen to them, get killed?".

Hehe, she totally bought it.

3- At some point I teased her and she gave me the finger while laughing. Again I kept on smiling and ignored it.

4-She answered her phone. I punished her by casually looking around and watching the cute women nearby. She apologised and ended it quickly. While she was talking, and since my neck was turned towards her, I started playing with my own hair at the base of the neck and gently pulling it, a la evolution-phase-shift.

Lol, no fucking clue if it helps though, but I felt like doing it.

Now for the sexual teasing part. I finally started to get a feel of how to do this. It's basically like you tease your female friends, with sexual innuendo thrown in. The best way is of course to misunderstand everything she says:

1-(while leaving) Her: You're going to the restroom?
Me: yeah
Her: me too.
Me: what, together? Sure babe, let's do it.
Her: (friendly push, laughs)

2- I told her a story about living in the dorms and what crazy stuff happens there (sexual story). She then said that she didn't do the dorm thing. I said: "Yeah, you're no party girl, not fun". She gave me the finger while smiling.

(note to self: You could've started the kino right there, by holding that finger!)

3-Her: I'm carrying too many things, cell phones, bag, etc...
Me:(as if thinking about a solution) Take off your clothes then.
Her:(again pushes me, giggles).

I made several mistakes, I think:
-I should have maybe qualified her. I don't think I complimented her much.
-Not enough sexual teasing, no kino, and WAY too much time spent talking about our respective ex's.
-not enough rapport and connection.

Good points:
-I felt totally natural, or at least as close as I can at my level. It's probably because I'm gaming several girls at the same time.
-I was definitely NOT intimidated by her age, and she noticed it.
-I prepped her for the next meeting: I like eating ice cream, and said that she should come with me to this great place I know.
-I remembered the advice on swearing during convo as a good thing, and included it in my stories.

In conclusion: Not bad overall, the sexual teasing and passing the shit tests established the frame I had intended "I am a sexual man, I hook up with chicks often, no big deal". I had a little rapport with her, with stories about my childhood during the war, and how the country where I grew up will always be home to me.

Man this girl's face is a 7.5, but her body's a solid 8. The key words for next time are: ESCALATE the kino, qualify and compliment, state that I dig her, and lower the energy level a notch.

Cheers,
F

HB7 resists to kino

2006-07-06T16:52:00.000-04:00

I went to this gathering at this house. My intent was not to sarge, but rather to get to know some people there who would help me with a small project I’m working on.

So I get there, and I don’t know anybody. The hostess says hi, and through her I get to pretty much go around the whole social circles there. It was not a party with loud music, so I was just having interesting conversations with the different people there.

This girl, HB7, is clearly interested in me. Either it’s because she saw me as socially comfortable, or because she was directly attracted to me, or both. I eventually start talking with her and isolate her to a couch.

In the couch, and after my recent string of fucked-up day 2s, I stayed clearly away from all the wrong topics. Instead, I started qualifying , asking her: “What do you do? No, not your job, but what do you DO, as a passion?”
Luckily enough for me she says she writes stuff. I myself have been scribbling in a small journal of mine for a while now, so I start asking and talking about the emotions behind writing.

Me: “Writing for me is not like this thing you can program in advance, it’s like this urge, this tension that needs to get out” I went on on how the urge and tension need to be thrown on paper, and bla bla bla.

All the time I was talking slowly, and pointing to myself. Not sure if it’s a good thing to self point, coz it logically meant I was a piece of paper and that she has this urge to dump ink on me :-) . But I guessed that since girls ain’t logical, it’s the emotions I was stirring in her that mattered .

I think it worked, she was staring at me, lips parted and all that. And when it was time to leave she said how the time passed so fast she didn’t notice. One IOI was that, as she was talking about herself, she mentioned her boyfriend, but said “my boyfriend” in such a low voice that it was clear she didn’t want me to give it any attention (and I didn’t). I had asked her before who she knew here, and luckily she knew no one, so no cockblocking happened , and I could game her uninterrupted.

Fast forward to the day 2, like a week after. (this sunday)

I tried to plan it as much as possible. I told her I wanted to go to this cool ice cream place (which, coincidentally, just HAPPENS to be near my place ). We got the ice cream and then I told her that I needed to buy juice, and that we could eat the ice cream in my air-conditioned room.

Now the problem was she was resistant to kino. Throughout our entire interaction I could see she was attracted, but didn’t want the kino.

When I said I wanted to go home to drop the juice, she mentioned how she preferred that we sit outside afterwards. Regardless, I went in, and poured some juice in a glass. In my room, she was on the bed, and I manoeuvered myself on it also.
Then I tried more stories, more kino, even the evolution phase shift just for the fuck of it (not to get the kiss, but just for more kino!) and still that resistance.

I then walked her to the metro entrance, we kissed realy close to the mouth, and when i tried kissing her, she had a timid smile and leaned back, gesturing silently with her hand for me to slow down.

Here is my take on it:
-I wasn’t showing enough of a sexual frame. Somehow the vibe I was giving off was that of the nice guy/boyfriend material. The thing is she HAS a boyfriend, so what the fuck!? Is she testing the waters with me to see if she can dump him for a better provider??
-She is CLEARLY attracted to me, and a such might be trying to cocktease me and control me by controlling the sex.

The good points:
-I started instinctively knowing how to steer the convo towards the emotions behind every topic.
-I qualified her.
-I planned the day 2 logsitics well, and got her in my bed relatively smoothly.
-But the best thing is that I DON”T GIVE A SHIT. She is barely a 7, and I got two girls who are hotter than her that I’m currently gaming. I had none of that scarcity mentality.

So I’m gonna wait for her to call, and then I’ll set the apropriate rules (basically we go back to my place and fuck or you’re out). And if she doesn’t call I don’t really care.

Cheers,
F.

So where am I in the game?

2006-07-02T10:53:00.000-04:00

Man, my last post was pretty depressing.

However, there is a lot of truth in it. I've learned that, as I'm in the process of taking charge of my life (and learning to enjoy it), it is a good thing to acknowledge our fears.

Let me explain: what I do a lot is write down things. Most of the time I write positive affirmations about myself: "I am a confident person, I’m always in control of any social situation, etc..."
These things help a lot, and they allow me to refocus my behavior. For example, when in a confusing situation, I now ask myself: "what do I want? what are my priorities? " Having written down many elements describing me, what I care about and what do I want to become, it becomes simpler to "deconfuse" my behavior.

The other day was a good case in point. This asian girl I've been gaming on and off is part of my social circle. I screwed up with her by not being decisive enough, and when being alone with her I would just forget that I'm gaming her, and slip into normal logical conversations. The result is what I call BLEH: she doesn't know what I want, and feels that I don't either, and we end up in this awkward confused state with one another.

Well, I've learned now to show my intent. I called her the other day, and told her "Let's meet, you and me, one on one". I also did that with another girl. This may sound like nothing special, but to me it is: I’m learning to express my desires in a clear-cut way, no bullshitting.

This is very important in the game: When hitting on a girl, at some point (depending on if you do Direct or Indirect game), you have to show your intent. As I'm an insecure person who is terrified of rejection, I've unconsciously been playing it safe, for example:

-When walking on the street, I have this aloof and closed vibe. I used to think this would make me look cool and impress the girls. My face would have a totally closed expression: lips pressed together, slight frown, looking only ahead, and avoiding eye contact. This shit might have been impressive, but then what? Nobody would want to talk to someone this closed-up. This behavior is of course a protection mecanism, to avoid exposing oneself and risk failure.

-When practicing opening and starting to talk to a girl, in addition to not having a warm, open expression, I would stick to either a serious conversation, or become overly cocky and funny. This last part was a sticking point for me, as I tend to become overly sarcastic as a way to avoid reaching out to the girl, and tell her I’m interested.

-Even if my cocky and funny was working (and can thus be called playful teasing), I would be afraid to phase shift: At some point one must escalate, and start asking qualifying questions, telling stories about himself, doing kino, etc...

So those three points atually have the same root cause: the fear of exposing oneself.

As I've mentioned ad nauseam before, I have inner game issues. For the past decade or so (I'm 25), I've spent my life being passive, playing it safe. I'm so used to shielding myself that it fucks up my game. At the end of the day, picking up a girl is about confidently expressing the following two questions :"Hey, you seem interesting, let's find out", and "Hey I'm interested in you, let's dance". At all times, the man MUST take the lead, and that means taking the first step, and putting himself out there.

Well, the road is harsh. It is also very slow. My greatest sticking point right now is still to actually walk up to a girl and initiate the talk. This is at its hardest when I'm alone. When I'm sarging with someone, it's easier because we push one another. Because I tend to idealize things, I would constantly imagine myself in some "near" future as having no approach fear. This is the sort of passive daydreaming that plagues me still. I've learned now that it all happens in small increments. For example, previously I would spend the entire day talking myself to open sets, and wouldn't open ANYBODY. Now it seems I can do at least a few, before my insecurities of being "pointed at" creep back, and I'd stop.

Think of them as micro baby steps :- )

The maturing process I’m going through is that of bridging the gap between the idealized “me” that I’ve create in my mind, and the present me. I’m learning to be imperfect, and to accept it and go with it. I acknowledge my fears, and try to give myself a break. What I still need to do is truly appreciate the results that I obtain now. I mean, I AM hitting on girls. I AM asking for phones numbers, doing kino, going out with other people, “risking exposure” and being ridiculed, and risking failure.

And I’m getting some (imperfect) results, let’s see:

-Stating to the asian girl that it’s time to stop playing hide-and-seek with one another and meeting mano a mano.
-Following up on a fool’s mate: I was in a coffee place, and this girl smiles at me. I’ve only recently been holding eye contact, and only just started “risking” a smile. I then walked over to her and number closed her. It might not seem like much, but only a few months ago, I would have played it aloof and walked away.
-Getting on with the kino. Definitely in the beginning stage (high-fiving a la PU101, and light touching).
-Number closing a girl in the metro in a few minutes. She was foreign and only had been in town for a few days. After telling her I wanted to see her, she tells me she has a boyfriend. I smile, tell her that it’s cool, that I have two girlfriends, and give her my phone so she can write her email. Not expecting an answer from her though, the gaming wasn’t tight.
-Number closing this girl waiting for someone in front of the mall. Her story is quite interesting, maybe I’ll tell it in another post. However, she’s 18, so I’ll only do something if she calls me first.
-Going direct: lol this one is so fucked up! This GORGEOUS woman working in a small store in the mall. I go in and tell her “I think you’re cute” I was shaking, my tonality and body language were TERRIBLE. Still, I persisted, tried teasing her and failed, tried negging her and failed, trying passing her shit tests and mostly failed. She was nice enough not to tell me to fuck off, she was actually enjoying it (a good-looking guy making a fool of himself seems to be an enjoying sight).
-Note: this is why it sucks to hit on people who work in malls: you will see them again as you sarge in the same venue, and that’s annoying. It shouldn’t be. But it is to me.
-Doing tight game on this girl at a social gathering: It wasn’t a cold approach, and she seemed to already like me because I was very sociable and talked to every one (and oh yeah, I’m good looking too :-) ). Still, I had enough guts to isolate her, and managed to qualify her and connect with her. First time I sucessfully did some SS. I got her to say at the end how she feels like she always knew me. Still, I called her and told her to call me, but she hasn’t yet.

So here it is, my current status in this game. To summarize:
-I’m learning to present an open appearance, I walk around relaxed, lips slightly parted (I think this is CRUCIAL), and try to smile right before opening (as if something amusing was happening to me before I decided to talk to the girl). This relaxes the chicks.
-I’m learning to state what I want, and specify that I’m interested in the girl sexually.
-I’m learning to love myself, and enjoy the present time.

That last point is still far off :- )

Cheers.
F.

The road is harsh

2006-06-16T21:57:00.000-04:00

I am afraid.

I am scared and terrified.

Of what?
..............................

I have inner game issues. For the last 10 to 15 years I have been living in a dreamworld, one that my mind has created, and where I would run to whenever I was unhappy with the outside world.

I was living a passive life, and I didn't have enough willpower to make the changes that would suit me.

Hell, I wasn't even AWARE that I was living a passive life. It was only one year ago that I had what I call a "the sky is blue" type of revelation.

I am unhappy.

Oh, and I am 25 years old. Talk about being a late bloomer.

I seriously was surprised when I acknowledged to myself how unhappy I was :
"I am not happy. This is not what life is supposed to be like, I'm supposed to be enjoying it, and I'm not."

My unconscious mind has been hiding this truth from me all this time.

How did that fucker pull it off?

By making me create this fantasy world, where I am king and perfect and all-powerful. Man did I spend a lot of time there! Daydreaming was (and still is) my refuge, made for when I feel inecure, or worthless, a loser whose life is lame. It is so tempting to go there. It is so incredibly easy and comforting to just ignore the real world. I still do fall into the trap quite often.

Recently, at long last, I've finally waken up. I've started unraveling the dynamics of my behaviour and thought processes.

But all those wasted years, all those opportunities ignored.....

(moan)

During the past year, I've finally started to grow up, to ask myself the hard questions about who I am, who do I want to be, and what do I want to do. I've finally started to look forward, and plan ahead, not the fantasy future where I'm perfect, but rather a realistic one in which I can be authentic.

I'm not gonna go into the psychological details of why I've been as I have. The details are very personal, they would take a very long time to explain, and frankly would be boring to anyone but me.

Now how does that apply to pickup? How is that relevant?

I am terrified of rejection, of people pointing fingers at me and laughing, of someone (anyone) having a negative opinion of me. That's why I haven't been sarging a lot. Every sarge is hard. It's very hard for me to take that risk: Whether in the cold approach, and risk being told to fuck off or being laughed at; or when I need to go from attraction building to rapport; or any other stage of the game.

I'm just not used to exposing myself. I've been playing it safe for the last decade. I've let others decide important elements in my life, and I've allowed myseld to be lead, safe in the shadow of more dominant figures.

And I was miserable, and not even knowing it.

It is true that the worse kind of slavery is when the chains are not visible, when one is not even aware of being enslaved.

Low self-esteem and feeling insecure happen when we feel we are not in control of our lives, when we are in a passive state and can't get out of it, when we feel powerless.

I am fighting a very hard battle. I'm fighting habits and patterns that are so ingrained in my daily thought processes that I have difficulty identifying them, let alone removing them.

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, but the road is harsh.

I need to get "out there", in every conceivable way.
To get out of my head.
To get out and approach women, and suffer the inevitable setbacks of rejection.
To empower my life more and more, by taking control. Taking charge of the elements in my life, and learning to LOVE taking charge.

The road is harsh.

But I don't want any other road.

Walking that path FEELS real. It is fresh and unique. It makes me feel and experience so many faults and imperfections.

The road makes me feel real. And alive.

I have sensed on a few occasions the fresh air that one feels when being authentic, on the rare times when I've had a controlling grip on my life.

And now I'm addicted.

I'm still failing miserably very often: reverting by default to daydreaming, not approaching women, laughing too hard, trying too hard to be perfect, trying too hard to please people and not offend them.

But some times. Just some times.

I am real.

And I love it.

It is a very fortunate coincidence that I found out about the seduction community six months ago. It allowed me to identify an aspect of my life that, like so many other aspects, I was unhappy with.

Now I'm trying to gain control. To gain power.

And it's happening.

Slowly. Verrrryy sloooooowwwly.

The road is harsh, but the light is there.

Cheers,
F.

My Day 2 skills suck!

2006-05-26T19:19:00.000-04:00

Hey guys, I know it's been a while. I had the flu for like 2 weeks, and I think it's due to me developping allergies or something.

Anyway, I need to talk about what happened at the day twos with HBBrit and HBAsian. Now don't get too horny coz not much did happen => no sex.....so if anyone just lost interest in further reading this post, I suggest checking out the seduction-related blogs on my blogroll.

I met HBBrit on a day 2. I had tried to plan ahead: My objective was to meet her at a coffee place, and then find a pretext to go to her place. I chose a trendy coffee/pub near where she lives. The conversation went on for a while but the problem was that it was too logical. My status with the girl was that attraction had been firmly established, and the few shit tests were gone. However, there was a strong need for comfort and rapport building, as the girl was the type that giggles all the time from nervousness. The thing is I SUCK AT CONNECTION BUILDING. There, I said it. The conversatoin wasn't boring, just that it was too logical, I didn't go deep and connect with her. As a result, she wasn't into sex when we got to her place. Since she had mentioned that she lived in a large beautiful house with a jacuzzi, it was very easy for me to propose that she show it to me. And, once in her room, we started making out. But she was STILL giggling when we started, proof that no rapport existed.

Shit man, I tried for hours to turn her on. I would kiss her all over, and try to take off her top, only to get an objection. I would do the whole wash-rinse-repeat again, but the farthest I got was her to take off her bra. The pants were definitely staying, no matter how hard I tried.

I didn't try the freezout, because I forgot :-)

Still, I learned a lot from this interaction: After we stopped making out, we cuddled a lot. It was a mistake in retrospect, because she didn't earn it. Still, I used the cuddling time to have the Talk with her. I told her I was only into casual relationships. She had a problem with that, but I held my ground. And when I saw her the next time at the salsa lessons, I was congruent with that, by being friendly with all the girls, and not giving her special treatment.

I haven't seen her since, I will know more about where we stand at the next session. It might not be a total loss, but I definitely need to escalate the sexual thing, and get her turned on.

As for HB asian, I went to a coffee place with her after the dance lesson, where we spent like a couple of hours talking. The first error is that I didn't plan things out. What did I want? to take her back to her place? to my place? To qualify her?

Since I didn't define my objectives, I got stuck in the vague haze of a casual conversation. I made the same mistakes as with HBBrit, no deep rapport was established, the kino was minimal, and I didn't escalate.

The convo was interesting in my opinion....

she yawned twice......

lol

I saw her at a house party a few days after, one she DIDN'T tell me she was going to. So my guess is that she's unsure about me, even though attraction is still there for me to rebuild on.

I just need to overcome the fear of getting more heavily into kino, into that sexy vibe, that sensual mood that happens when a man is seducing a beautiful woman.

It's very true what they say: the more you learn about things, the more you realise how long the road is. I have started walking, but just barely.

Training continues....

Cheers,
F.

FR: Rapport with HBBrit

2006-05-09T13:46:00.000-04:00

Hey guys,

In my previous post I talked about two girls I'm gaming at my salsa lessons. Yesterday, only HBBrit came to class, which made things much easier for me.
My objective for the night was to go into rapport and comfort with that girl. I have noticed this problem in my behavior: I carry on too long being the sarcastic, cocky and funny entertainment guy. I used to do that because I would grow nervous and afraid of stalling, and so would become overly sarcastic, ruining the atmosphere.

But not this time. With HBBrit, I knew that attraction was done the previous times I had seen her. I had established myself as a fun and attractive man, and tried as much as possible to steer away from the "nice guy/boyfriend material" behavior.

So what happened is that, after the lesson, I took her from the dance floor to a table. We sat, ordered some drinks, and started talking.

She had 2 problems I needed to fix:
-She was giggling too much, wasn't taking anything seriously. I think it is because she was still in "entertainment" mode with me. I needed to go into rapport.
-She was asking too many lame questions (where do you come from? What brought you to Canada, etc...). I think it is because she was a bit nervous around me, and was trying to avoid any silence. Thus, she needed comfort.

My behavior was the following: When she started asking lame questions, I would answer with the weirdest, obviously crazy stories. For example:

Her: How come you have Canadian citizenship?.
Me: Well...That is a VERY interesting story. You see, I was working for the British secret service, and to reward me, the Queen gave me a lordship. and gave me the choice of any citizenship in the Commonwealth, so I chose the biggest country, Canada.

Another one:
Her: So how come you're in Canada?
Me: Well, that's a FASCINATING story actually. Once in my home town I was walking on the beach, when I saw....this MERMAID! using a LAPTOP! bla bla bla(she bursts out laughing, kino, etc...)

After a while, everytime I didn't want to answer a question, I would just start with "Excellent question!" or "It all started for my family during the Crusades", and that would end it.
I know it's a good thing in general not to answer all the questions, so as to keep her on her toes. Besides, it allowed me to control the conversation, and I knew I needed to set a new frame.

That behavior paved the way for the following frame: "Come on, you can do better than that, ask me a real question!"
While telling her that, I was making sure to lean back on my chair everytime I noticed myself. I also told her:
"Listen, look at me, look into my eyes. When you see me, what do you want to know? What is it you want to know about what makes me tick?"
I told her to think about it, then I asked her my question: I knew she loved to travel, so I asked her what it is about travelling that she liked. After some probing, she said she liked the challenge, the fact that she was discovering new people, new cultures, and that she had to get out there and meet them. I tried to feed back to her those trance words, but my SS is rudimentary. I remembered later on that I could have launched into my own story, related to hers, but not at the time.

Then, she asked me a very good question:
"If you knew you only had tomorrow left to live, what would you do that day?"

Man, that was a tough one. I made sure to mention that to her, and to compliment her (with kino also). I took my time to think it over, then I gave her a truthful answer in a very serious tone. From that point on, we had properly shifted into rapport: I had started light kino (I made sure to sit next to her, and not have a table between us), we were talking about deeper topics, I was leaning back the whole time.

After answering and telling her it was a genuinely good question, I starting preparing for next meeting. I told her it would be good if we could continue this outside of a salsa context, then told her about this nice coffe/bar place on StCath, and that we should meet up. We agreed on wednesday.

After that, she started asking me back the same lame questions. I didn't block them like before, I just challenged her a bit by saying "What's in it for me if I answer your questions?". She answered with the only shit test of the night: "If you answer I'll come on wednesday"

I laughed out loud, (not an evil one, a joyful one) and told her something along the lines of "Girl, we both know you are going to be there!". That kept her in line.

After that, we walked to the metro, and said good bye, no kiss close (should have gone for it maybe).

Now with the next step, which is tomorrow!. Here are the parameters, any help/comments would be most welcome:

-Next time my objective is clear: to f-close her at her place. The date location is near her house, so I must find a way to venue change between the 2 locations. An idea would be to ask her to show me "that thing at her house" (that I need to determine during the conversation :-) ). Another is: after I walk her home I could tell her I need like 15 mins to freshen up/relax/call someone etc....
-To properly be able to venue change, should I have a very sexual frame? or more comfort/rapport stuff?? I haven't had many day 2s so far, so any general help is most welcome.

Cheers,
F.

When two targets meet

2006-05-02T21:25:00.000-04:00

Here is something I posted on the Lair yesterday:

Okay guys here is the situation. I've met this cute british girl at my salsa lessons, and last week we hung out a bit during the salsa lesson break. She is only staying for 4 months, and is definite casual sex material, which is what I want out of her.

Now this other girl (asian) is part of my extended social circle. She is very smart and classy, not really the party type. She is attracted to me, and constantly tries to gently shit test me. The thing is I think she sees me as boyfriend material: We have only hung out with our common friends so far, during which I had this cool and popular 'regular' guy vibe. By regular I mean a guy who is not a total AFC, but still goes for LTRs and is not a player.
Now I know what ya all gonna say: It is my job as a man to decide what I want with that girl, and to set the corresponding frame accordingly, and not overanalyse what she wants. I am with you guys 100% on that. That was my plan, to reframe her perception of me as this very sexual guy. I was going slowly with this because I don't want too much awkwardness and drama within our common group of friends in case I mess things up.

Now, in the normal world these two girls in my life should have been mutually exclusive....But now it turns out the asian chick is coming tonight at the salsa lessons.

Great......... now what? Both are going to be there! I need to decide how to manage the two chicks. The sensitive time is during the mid-lesson break. The students have like a 15 min time-off. During that time all three of us will probably end up sitting together (and not sure if other acquaintances might join).

So far the ideas I have are the following:

-First of all, the reason I am there is to learn salsa, so during the lesson that is my priority, NOT those girls, and I need to convey that to them.

-Also during the lesson, my frame is that of the cool sociable guy. I've done it the previous times, where I was talking to everyone and giving my partners high fives and such.

-During the break, and assuming it's just me and the two girls, I am going to be as laid back as possible. No hitting on anybody, just dominate the conversation, make them laugh and choose the correct topics (sexual, fun, etc...).

-Let them see me as the prize, (and then I can enjoy observing the subtle ways in which they try to put each other down :-) )

So far that is what I am thinking. I know there are advanced ways to create jealousy plots, but I don't know how.

So that's my case for tonight, any comments are most welcome.

Cheers.

Now, I got some interesting suggestions:

-Do not hit on one in front of the other, but make them both see that the other sees you as of value.

-When you first introduce them, LEAVE them ALONE together.

Women's first reaction is either to compete or get rapport. If you are not around, they will get rapport.

-Tell stories, do some kino, but don't close one in front of the other. The 4 month girl has less to lose by being the "other" woman, but the asian girl is part of your social circle.

And finally my report on what happened that night:

So what happened was the following:

I came in the club, saw the british girl and sat with her and her friend for a bit, then the lesson started.

A bit after the start of the lesson, 4 of my friends came, so a positive point is that I got social proof in front of HBBrit.

The asian only showed up later, and so I couldn't test the notion of introducing them and then leaving them to build rapport...too bad.

During the break, I couldn't talk with any of the 2 girls, because one of my friends is my dance partner and she really wanted to practice her salsa moves. Since friends are before any HB, I spent the entire break time with her.

During the entire lesson, I was fun, smiling and sociable.

At the end of the lesson, some of us were still dancing. Then, I saw the Brit girl standing alone and, halfway through the dance floor, pointed at her, walked to her and led her to the dance floor. I showed her some of my moves, she showed me hers, we kinoed a bit more than strict salsa canon, all of that while HBasian was watching.

So that was it. I know now that the brit girl is very attracted to me, and I was very alpha around her (couldn't build comfort though). The Asian girl saw all of that, which showed her she needs to work to attract me (she sent an SMS today saying how much she enjoyed last night, thanking me and stuff :-) ).

AsianGirl knows now at least that I am not your typical "boyfriend material" guy. Still, the next time I see her I expect a lot of shit testing from her, to try and mold me...bring'em on girl!!

Next monday, both girls are going to be there too lol! That should be fun.

So here it is. I loved the concept that if two women you are gaming meet up, then better to just leave them together for a while so that they can bond.
Cheers,
F.

So-so night out with Lair bros

2006-04-27T19:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I met up with three fellow lair members, and we went to this well-known pub/club downtown.
Contrary to the other time I sarged with the Lair at that place, I wasn't that 'good' last night. I define good as being able to open and maintain conversations for some time. This messed up my objectives for the night, because I was planning to practice getting into rapport and comfort.
Oh well, there are lessons to be learned here anyway.

For example, the fact that my openers weren't as successful is probably due to lack of sufficient training. I tend to conclude too fast that I have mastered a certain level, and it was obvious from last night that I still needed to practice how to present a strong body language and tonality when approaching.
On the positive side of things, I DID go out, even though I wasn't feeling at my best, both physically and mentally. This falls into the whole 'pushing yourself' category, as well as into the realisation that there will be good days and bad days, and the latter is always better than just staying at home.
Another positive point, and a more technical one, is that I tested the concept of negging the dominant woman of a set, here's how it went:

It was a 2-set, one blonde one brunette. The blonde was very talkative, and the brunette not at all. So I come in and deliver an opener I'd just made up: "Do you think it is cool for a guy to have a tatoo on the lower back?"
The blonde answers immediately by "it's gay", with that sense of finality that subcommunicates "you as a guy have not made a positive impression on me".
I try to salvage the set by asking for the brunette's opinion, but she was totally blank. I try and develop a conversation on the topic, but the blonde restates her opinion, says something else and then initiates a high-five with the brunette. The hi-5 is pretty much an indication of total failure, so I decide to try the negging before ejecting:

Me: (to the blonde, after a quick look at her hair) Nice hair, but what's your real hair color?
Blonde: No, it's actually my real color.
She then tries to explain something about her roots being dark or whatever, but I ignore her and turn back to the brunette with another question, but she was again unresponsive, so I eject.
It was obvious that the blonde was caught by surprise. For a split second, she was no longer in control, had her perceived value reduced and thus started to justify herself, which is I guess the whole point of a neg. An experienced guy would have been able to use that element to his advantage, but alas, not me, not yet :-).

So, what is the conclusion?

(everybody) : Keep Training!

Cheers,
F.

Chronic One-itis Syndrome Example

2006-04-26T12:29:00.000-04:00

I'm going to illustrate what I said in my previous post, about how I get into AFC and one-itis mode everytime I find out a girl is interested in me. I will give two simple and recent examples:

The first one is about this asian girl that I often bump into as part of my social circle. As a friend of friends, I see her like once every couple of months. Last fall, I saw her at a house party, and even though asian girls aren't really my type, her body definitely is (she's tall, thin and a brunette). Consequently, and as a confident man, I have to do two things: First, I have to identify what my desires toward that girl are; and second, I have to make the necessary moves to achieve what I want.
In her case, I want to have an open sexual relationship, either as a one-night stand (ONS) or as a fuck buddy (FB).
Things were thus very clear in my head the next time I saw her (at another house party). I was relaxed around her, and my guess is she sensed that I was interested. I also had a feeling that she liked me. Nothing happened during that party, and I didn't spend that much time with her. However, I was very alpha, cracking jokes left and right, and was basically being very sociable. We exchanged contacts because she expressed interest in going to the salsa lessons some of her friends and I had been attending.
Now for the one-itis syndrome. As we had exchanged numbers, my interest in her was thus made clear. What happened is that, when I started thinking about her in the next few days, I would exhibit all the AFC one-itis symptoms: Worrying about pleasing her, about when is the right time to call her; worrying that I might hurt her because I only want sex, and she seems like the quiet sweet type of girl; worrying that she might fall in love with me, etc...

Yuk.

This was typical AFC me. Luckily, I have changed and know more about myself these days. I was thus able to identify those thoughts, and forced myself to recenter my thinking with the following affirmations:

-First of all, I'm not sure I even like her, because we barely know each other. I am merely curious about her and I want to see if she has anything going on for her.
-It is ALL about me. I am not here to please anyone but myself.
-The best way not to hurt her is by being honest. If I make it clear that I am looking for a sexual relationship, she will get the message. She is no dumb girl and can make her own decisions.
-I am in control of my interactions, I lead things where I want them to go. It is my frame, and my job as a man is to be true to myself and to strive to accomplish what I desire.
-I am in control of myself, and do not allow the AFC me to surface. The AFC me is looking for maternal-type nuturing, and thus is the one that causes one-itisness.

I might see that girl on thursday, so this is to be continued...

Now for the second girl:
I met her at my salsa lessons. We had seen each other several times, so last session I said hi and introduced myself. And, during the break, I sat next to her. Most of what I did or said was wrong by PU standard, but she was clearly attracted to me, so that helped. The good stuff I did was mainly when I made a very good C+F comment that sent her laughing for like 5 mins. It happened as follows:

her: I like to travel, I've been around Europe a lot.
Me: Really, that's great! I would love to go there. Europe is my first travel objective. Next, I would love to go to a tropical island. I know it's a cliche, but I can picture myself on a beautiful beach, lying in a hamac, and taken care of by 5 gorgeous tropical beauties.
Her: Yeah, I would like that too.
Me: (Looking puzzled)....You would like to be with FIVE women at the same time!!!???
Her: (looks surprised for a second, then bursts out laughing)
Me: So, you're into not one, not TWO, but FIVE women simultaneously!! You're like into wild orgies with exotic women!!!

At that point she was laughing all the way. The good thing about this comment was that it was sexual, and I can tell she was looking at me differently after it happened.
That was it really. After the break, I immediately went back to the dance floor, without waiting for her to come back from the toilet.
(patting myself on the back for showing non-neediness, and identifying what I wanted at the moment, which was to learn salsa).

I think that, if I play it well with this girl, she will turn into a ONS, maybe even an FB. Apart from being attracted to me, she is only in Montreal for another 4 months, something she made sure to mention :-). Also, on the way out, she said goodbye again and gave me a nice punch on the shoulder.

It seems that this post is turning into one lame field report lol! Anyway, as far as one-itis syndrome is concerned, I am constanly watching myself. So far, I haven't fallen into AFC mode with the second girl yet.

and yes...the training continues.
F.

On Inner Game issues

2006-04-23T11:48:00.000-04:00

Van Wilder has a blog and has posted some interesting points on the difficulty of having positive inner states. It is a nice coincidence, as I have been going through a similar phase. So here is my take on the issue.

Inner Game is the term used by the seduction community to describe your inner state of mind, and how it affects your external behavior with respect to relationships with women.

I have deep inner game issues. This is basically my single biggest problem with regards to PU. Unfortunately, it is also one that is difficult to fix. In Outer Game, the wannabe PUA can easily practice techniques, routines, magic tricks, etc..., and after a few sarges they will become natural. Having a positive inner state, however, is another ball game. All seduction schools agree that radiating self-confidence, high self-esteem, and a strong sense of values are very attractive traits for women. Now, some methods out there say that you CAN 'fake it till you make it'. That is, you are not really a very confident person around women, however you fine-tune your body language, voice tonality and general behavior, so as to appear confident, and get the HBs.

In my case, however, I have low self-esteem in general. The fact that I do not have as much success with women is a by-product of that. I am good-looking, charming and naturally sociable, but the fact that I am insecure is messing everything up.

Now, the theory about building up self-esteem is not complicated, but it is damn hard and long to accomplish (at least it seems so to me at this point). Basically what I have been doing these past months is to go through an extensive introspective phase. I am constantly asking myself questions such as: Who am I? Why am I doing this job? Are those people really my friends? Where do I see myself going? etc...
The questions are endless, and they can be asked on at least 2 different levels. On one hand, I start honestly asking myself what I like to do, what my hobbies are, and then I examine my actual life and try to weed out all the stuff that are not actually 'me'. There is a lot of stuff that I have incorporated into my life because I wanted to please other people, I sought validation and did what was deemed the right thing to do.

The other level is in my day-to-day interactions with people. I am finally learning to say "no", that beautiful and simple word that is an expression of who we are. I used to have a major case of approval-seeking behavior, always trying to please and not 'rock the boat'. Now I am becoming more and more assertive. For example, if my group of friends decides to do something that doesn't tempt me, I realised that I can just say no (though I do still feel guilty about it :-) ). I have the right to do that, and believe it or not, previously I didn't allow myself even that!

It is a good feeling to develop this assertiveness. So many times I notice myself , such as during a group conversation, trying to fit in by not being too frank about what I felt, out of fear of 'hurting' other people's feelings. This is of course nonsense, because people respect those who have opinions and are not afraid to be honest about them.
To quote Dr Phil (I don't really like the guy, but it IS his quote), 'you have to take control of your life'. And that is hard -at least for me!- because, as I have shown above, this neediness and approval-seeking is very insidious. They are infiltrated in all aspects of my life and my interactions, and they have been so for at least 15 years! I can remember vividly my teenage years, and how needy I was, so merely identifying the problem isn't going to cure me. Rather, it is the painstaking constant vigilance that will instill new heatlhy habits in my behavior. Basically I have now a long-term job, that of constantly identifying weak elements in my behavior and eliminating them. Examples are:

-Taking the time to let an external element, such as a proposed activity, or an opinion made by a person, sink in, sensing what my true feelings/opinions toward that element are, and finally giving an authentic response.
-The response could be just saying no. It is okay to say no. People won't be 'hurt' if I say it.
-I could also propose something else, something I WANT to do.
-If it is an opinion that I disagree with, then just freaking saying that I have a different point of vue on the subject IS OKAY.
-Sometimes I am in a group and the energy is high, whereas I would be in a calmer mood. The old me would try desperatly to fit in, to laugh at the jokes and to give the appearance of enjoying himself. The new me responds accordingly to his desires, and no more.

A way to summarize that would be that I am learning to be authentic, to be true to myself. To do that, I must dig deep. My psyche is like a complicated knot, and I need to systematically untie it piece by piece, so that I can have a clear view of myself. Another way of putting it is that in my brain, there is the true me, and there is the fake me. The latter is a fraud, built from external factors such as thru input from family/friends/society. This non-self is the cause of low self-esteem, because it gets its validation from external sources, hence the neediness and desperate desire to please. This is why I used to fuck up in my relationships: I used to turn into this wuss, into this AFC looking for maternal affection, because the fake me would be in control, and this is how it validated itself.

The true path to happiness is established by eliminating the fake self. But weeding it out is only half the work. the real self has to be nurtured as well. I think this takes more time than eliminating the fake self. Indeed, building self-confidence is a long process that starts from before adolescence. I think that in my case, since the fake me has evolved and has repressed the real me, I never took the time to truly thrive, to build myself a healthy and balanced personnality. Instead, I spent all those years trying to be somebody else and to please others. So the only solution (if my analysis is correct) is that I need to restart that authenticity-building process. By doing more and more what I like to do, be it the activities and hobbies, or the type of career, or the hangouts with friends I actually like, by taking an active role in developping those aspects of my life (according to MY desires), self-love and thus self-esteem and happiness should start to creep in.

Very psychological stuff. Like I said, I'm a mess on the inside. But at least now I'm starting to have a plan on how to un-mess myself.

To go back to Van Wilder and the world of pickup, here are two quotes from a post of his:

"I look back at my previous failures with women (e.g. my one-itis) and it does bring me a smile because I realize that what I was seeking with those women was love and acceptance and maternal nurturing qualities"
In my case, and because of my inner issues, every girl I met who I would be remotely interested in would turn into a one-itis. I know now what causes that, but it's still a bitch to fight.

"For me, affection and love with women is so powerful and always brings me joy, but as I remember previous girlfriends now, I am starting to realize that success with women does not equate to happiness."
I have also realised that. Picking up women is a big validation rush. However, it affects us only on the outside, but doesn't nurture us deeply and give us that inner peace and happiness. It's like eating sugar, it feels good, but is not really nourrishing as opposed to eating a complete meal. PUAs who are well-grounded on the inside became good because failure with women didn't affect them much (so early approach anxiety quickly went away). Also, since they are 'solid' on the inside, their confidence shows, and is attractive.

In my case, how do I deal with PU? On one hand, every rejection affects me a lot since I am 'weak' on the inside. On the other hand, even if I plow through the rejections, the actual success with women is only a temporay 'band-aid'. I will feel good for a bit because this external validation has temporarily covered the wounds, however after a little while the band-aid effect goes away, and the wounds start aching as much as before.
This is why some people become addicted to PU. It becomes like a drug, with a temporary feel-good effect that is quickly replaced by a gut-wrenching feeling after withdrawal, which pushes the PUA to sarge even more, and suffer the cycle endlessly.
My solution is not to give the game of seduction too large a chunk of my life. Becoming good with women is but A PART of my reconstructive process. There are many other elements in my life that I need to develop as well. If I am able to put my pickup life in that perspective, and with those limits, and work in parallel on the other aspects of my life, I might be able to avoid the whole manic-depressive cycle.

F.

Getting into the local seduction lair

2006-04-18T15:34:00.000-04:00

I got into the local seduction lair recently. It was interesting to see how varied the guys in the lair were, in terms of age and personnality.
This lair is definitely not made up of uneducated bums, who have nothing going on in their lives. Of course, any person who would hear about such a lair would shrug off its members as 'losers', according to the above definition. The reality is completely different. The guys are mostly highly educated, intelligent people, ranging from university students to lawyers and engineers. Moreover, from the posts I have been reading, I found so many of them to be very cultured and interesting.

What I found to be a common point about these guys, at least the active members I have met so far, is a genuine desire to improve themselves. These are people who have gone through the necessary steps of self improvement, namely:

1- They have identified that they have a problem -in this case, with women. They have acknowledged to themselves that they are not satisified with the quality of their dating/sexual life.
2- They have realised that they WANT to improve that particular aspect of their lives, that they do NOT accept themselves as they are now because they know they deserve better.
3- Having found the seduction community, they learn that they are not alone, and most importantly, that becoming good with women is a SKILL. It is something that is based on certain rules that can be learned. They do not believe anymore in the "some guys are born good, others are not" type of bullshit. They understand that relationships and meeting women is like any sport or game or activity, it is based on rules and requires a lot of practice to achieve any level of competence.
4- The final point is that they actually had the COURAGE to take that first step, to dedicate themselves to that new activity and to give it time and effort. After the initial jump, they have the willpower to hang on, to continuously get out there, out of their comfort zone, and face head-on the risk of being rejected, being laughed at, and feeling angry at themselves for pushing so hard.

I think the final point is a major one. I have at least one person I know who didn't go through it. I introduced him to the community through the book "The Game", and after the inital mockery and denial, he accepted the fact that seduction is a skillset that can be learned. However, he never took the plunge, at least not so far.

Because of my low self-esteem issues, I'm very often hard on myself, chastizing myself for being weak, a loser, or whatever.. This is why I have to constantly remind myself that I have at least had the intelligence and courage to go through the 4 steps. I have gone out several times so far with other bros for day and pub game, and they have been very helpful. Thanks to them, I have been able to control my fear of approaching women, something that, on my own, I still cannot seem to be able to do.

But then again, I am only at the beginning!

From those few interactions, I have learned already a lot about the game, and more importantly about myself. I can compare my pickup style with others, I can identify my weakpoints and my strong ones. It is also more comfortable to have people such as them to practice with, and with whom I am able to talk openly. Any guy, after giving it some thought, will realise that men do not generally talk that much with their other male friends about their problems.
Rarely do they do that, because:
"Girls do that"
"dude, that is so gay"
and other crap...

Generally, for a guy to talk about how he is not satisfied with his dating life, and to ask for advice, is seen as not macho, not manly. Just think of how many sitcoms revolve around the subject. Think of the TV series Friends, where the interaction between "macho seductor" Joey and his "nice/clueless/shy" guy friends Chandler and Ross, and you can see how much humor is spun around those topics.

In society today, guys are conditioned to the fact that it is not cool to talk about your dating life, or lack of. When a guy asks his friend how it went with that girl he met at the club, the response is usually a one-liner: Either "Dude, I banged her senseless", or "she was a bitch".

Here is another good example of societal messed up conditionning: A bit after joining the lair, one of the main members, a guy who has become a very successful seducer, calls me. Apparently, at some point, he was entertaining a harem of 5 women, and they all knew. He calls me and proceeds to ask about my goals and my weak points concerning women. This is what he does with all newbies, and is an indication of the fraternity that is prevalent in such a community.

Among the questions he asked was "do you consider yourself to be a good lover?". I answered truthfully to this question. Later on, I realised how rarely such a question is asked among guys!! How often would two male friends ask themselves that type of question, without ANY of the usual jokes, sexual innuendos, and competitiveness that form such a large part of male-male interactions?

Not very often.

On a similar note, I really like to read the posts written by the members on the private bulletin board. These guys talk about all their problems honestly and without any fear. They do that because they know they are asking the opinion of like-minded men, people who will not make fun of them, but who instead will try and help them and give them advice.

A final point: all members of the lair are instructed NOT TO TALK about the existence of such a community to non-members. And since I have been involved in this activity, I have come to see how utterly incomprehensible and odd such a community would sound to outside people. Not only to women (that much is obvious, although there are a few women out there who approve totally), but also men: If you tell some guys you are trying to improve your success with women, as part of a lifelong quest for a quality life, the fact is that they will make fun of you. That in itself is proof that you are better than them.

Screw all of them losers. I am in control of my life, and will do what I want to increase its value.

Let the training continue.
F.

My gay monitor

2006-04-11T14:36:00.000-04:00

As I was rereading this blog, my computer monitor went pink. All the whites started suddenly having this pinkish tinge. If I were a women, I would have been able to specify that it was more of a cotton candy type pink rather than a fushia one, but since I am a man, and therefore only see in 16 colors, I will not make that remark.

The monitor is one of those cool 19 inch black LCD flat screens by DELL. When a company or university buys a whole bunch of them, black is what you get.
After trying to unplug and replug the monitor, turning it off and back on again, and asking for a friend's help, I turned to my last resort: gay bashing.

I started saying how the monitor had finally decided to get out of the closet.

that i needed to rename it appropriately, and how the black color was so NOT him.

That's it, I'm gonna buy some of that shiny sparkle solution and spray it on the screen tomorrow.

I still need a name for it though, any ideas? It would be cool to have a play on words with the name DELL (dilly? dellia? )

I got it.....DELLORES!

Large dump in the S solved!

2006-04-10T15:24:00.000-04:00

This morning, the problem was still there, so I went back to a hardware store and bought this.
Check out this also.
It's called a toilet auger, and man was it good. The metallic spring in it can be shoved all through the toilet's S, which finally allowed me to unclog the large lump that was stuck.
I have to admit that it was strangely satisfying to shove the S-probe all the way in the toilet.....i don't know why. I had a kind of evil grin while doing it.

Well. the sun is shining, and I feel better today.

Cheers,
F.

Shitty day....literally

2006-04-09T19:14:00.001-04:00

Warning: this post in not about pickup, it is all about a hard and big lump of shit that got stuck in my toilet. So if this topic doesn't interest you...

Today is sunday, the sun is shining and the temperatures mild, which means it should be a great day to be alive and healthy in Montreal. Right? wrong.

I wake up, and spend 2 hrs glued on the Net. This is my escape mechanism when I don't want to face my present self. It often happens to me that i feel lethargic and lonely. During those phases, i cannot get any work done, it's like a depressive phase. The actual cause of this depressed state needs a post of its own, which I will post someday.

So anyway, the story today is that I took a large dump. Actually it wasn't the biggest chunk of shit ever to come out of me, but lately it seems that they all come out pretty wide, and I mean wide!. It's like they're all sliding sideways or something. When I'm shitting, it's slow and it hurts like hell. Luckily, so far, all of those colon-splitting dumps have happened outside my home toilet.....until today.

See, I take this dump, and a spherical lump of shit comes out, painfully, but not the worst ever, somewhere between the "shit I'm having a baby" dump and "OMFG, I'm having fucking triplets".
Afterwards, feeling some post-shitting high, I flush..................And the bowl fills up with water.

..........Shit.

After that very appropriate response, I try being environmentally unfriendly and start flushing every 10 mins, to no avail.

After trying unsuccessfully for a while, I go to a hardware store looking for some miracle solution. I felt somewhat uncomfortable telling the employees that my toilet was clogged up with a chunk of shit so hard and big that, when I eventually get rid of it, will probably break some machinery at the municipality shit-purifying plant.
Turns out there wasn't any miracle solution; and no, the sink plumbing unclogger fluid is NOT suited for toilets (bastards)... The only interesting part is learning that the tube in the toilet where the shit disappears is actually in the form of an S. This is case in point that engineers actually DO sometimes have a sense of humor when it comes to puns; and especially in my case, because my lump of shit is probably stuck somewhere in my toilet's S.

I finally return home with none other than the classical succion thingy that you use to suck or push something- i can't remember the thing's name, it's 'ventouse' in french.
-Update- I found it on the NET, it's called a flange plunger

That thingy is ancient and should disappear from the face of the Earth, because it sucks...in a bad way....in the sense that it is a bad instrument....you get my point. I have been trying for the past several hours to unclog that bitch without success, there is water splashed everywhere around the toilet, and I feel really, really, dirty.

It's night now, and here I am, having done absolutely nothing with my day, writing a post about my issues and shit. The depressed phase I was in this morning meant that it would have been hard for me to get up, get out of the house, and do something useful anyway -like going to a coffee shop and pretend to read scientific articles, while checking out the chicks. The advent of my plumbing problem made me even more lethargic (I didn't even have lunch, basically emptying a carton of milk and a Nutella jar).

Oh, and on msn my ex asks me if I am happy with my life, as if I NEEDED to be reminded of how bad I felt today, stuck at home, depressed, with specks of shit on my jeans. Apart from that I feel just great, just peachy. I'm smiling in bliss as my arms and my lower back ache from the unclogging effort.

What a lousy day.
F.

Interesting msn conversation

2006-03-24T00:13:00.000-05:00

The following shows how one can extricate himself from a sad/uncomfortable mood, it happened like an hour ago. Afterwards i logged on msn and saw a friend of mine, here is the excerpt:

Girl:
what are you up to?
Fabz says:
well, that is a question with an interesting answer to it
Fabz says:
wanna hear it?
girl says:
sure!
Fabz says:
oh well i'll say it anyway
Fabz says:
got back from the gym a few hours ago, feeling ok, then did my laundry, then my mood started going down
girl says:
....
Fabz says:
you know when a bunch of small things you don't notice irritate you, so you end up feeling down?
girl says:
yes
girl says:
that happened to me today actually
Fabz says:
the trick is to shake up, and identify those things, then fix them
girl says:
yes!
Fabz says:
cool, so i sat in my room
Fabz says:
got my notebook, and started writing the things on my mind
girl says:
yes
Fabz says:
lotsa nonsense really, but still many things got clearer. The immediate ones especially:
Fabz says:
i was feeling down because:
Fabz says:
it was hot in my room
Fabz says:
i was hungry
girl says:
lol
Fabz says:
and other more psychological stuff
girl says:
yes
Fabz says:
so i wrote all my psych stuff, felt a bit better, then dressed up, went to the grocery store
girl says:
dressed up for the grocery store?
Fabz says:
bought a bunch of vegetables and fruits, and some chocolate chips
Fabz says:
well i can't walk in my underware outside now can i?
girl says:
haha
Fabz says:
anyway...
girl says:
you could i guess, if you wanted to...
Fabz says:
so when i got back, my apartment was cooler, coz i had opened the windows
Fabz says:
made a huge salad
Fabz says:
felt really good eating because it was good, plus healthy
girl says:
nice!!!!
Fabz says:
and now i am rewarding myself with chocolate chips and a nice conversation
girl says:
hooray!!
girl says:
way to go Fabz!
Fabz says:
*crunch* *crunch*
girl says:
and be so proactive!!!
girl says:
lol

HBCosmetics responds

2006-03-22T15:08:00.000-05:00

Got an interesting response from HBCosmetics one day after my email.

After the regular "I am fine, you wouldnt believe how long it took me to get home" bit, she started talking about how I overdid it with the jokes the other day. She said that she doesn't like it when people try too hard to make jokes just to impress people, instead of just being themselves.
She then added that, even though i made her somewhat uneasy, that nonetheless she was interested in me and thus gave me her email. All this was said in a very nice way mind you, with smileys and stuff.

Then she starts telling me not to take it too hard ('we barely know each other! :-) '), that she likes to be honest about things, etc...She then asked us to continue this over instant messaging.

wow...

First things first, to be quite honest, I was just happy to get a response. So I wasn't flaked on! go me!

one sec..

(goes to the bedroom, looks into the mirror, flashes a huge 'you rock!' smile, points a finger and says 'you...no you!...youuu!!', and then returns to the PC)

........Now where was I? Oh yeah.

So I was actually excited by that answer. After talking to her the other day, I was trying to analyse what type of person she was, and the only thing I noticed was that she was too quiet. I was worried that she would be the overly sweet-relationship-type girl looking for a boyfriend. So it was actually enjoyable to find out that she is a very assertive person, with a lot of energy. I thought that was really cool.

Now the question becomes, how to answer??

She had made her point clear, and she kind of had me in a trap, she had set the frame that I was trying too hard. If I answered agressively that I wasn't, that was bad. Of course the other extreme is also bad: I know now enough about these things so that there was no way I was going to revert into beta-nice-boy, starting the email by apologizing, being a wuss, and showering the text with dozens of approval-seeking smiley faces.

No, what was needed was a balanced response. In particular, I shouldn't show any excessive reaction. An important part of attraction is to show a form of disinterest, by not being too reactive to things, by maintaining cool composure. Otherwise, I would be jumping balls first into her frame, her setting.

So my response articulated itself in the following way:

First I told her I thought it was cool how she spoke her mind honestly, how rare that was, and how, in my opnion, that is one of the things that differentiates a girl from a woman, a sign of maturity. I then added that of course, she doesn't have to worry about me, because I am not affected by that type of opinion.

Second, I said: I nevertheless disagree with you about my humour. In all modesty, I think I am a very funny guy, and what you saw is who I am. Sometimes girls are intimidated by my humour, but I am glad it is not the case with you. You only thought that I overdid it, and that is something we can discuss :-)

I finished by saying I have a positive feel about our next conversations, that I preferred face-to-face meetings, but that if it was important for her to instant message first, then she could add me with the following email : xxx@xxx.com

Whaddya think guys??

The first paragraph didn't have any exclamation point or smiley face. It was a cool compliment to her. Purpose: show coolness and lack of excessive reaction.

Then I disagreed with her and stuck to my ground, and confirmed what my personality is. Purpose: Showing her I don't care what she thinks of me, that I am self-assured and behave the way I want.

Finally I told her to add me to her messaging thing. Purpose: I'm in control and call the shots.

In Conclusion:
It is clear that I still am very inexperienced at gauging people. Also, I was not able to analyse my behavior in real-time to realise I was overdoing it.

Conclusion: keep training.

F.

First successful sarge

2006-03-19T16:55:00.000-05:00

MILESTONE!

Yesterday was my first by-the-book successful email close.

I was walking in the downtown malls trying to do a cold approach, but I still couldn't do them.
Then it dawned on me: Instead of this 'all or nothing' attitude I have, which means that in all probability I would go home without having spoken to anyone, I might as well talk to people. The only way I'm able to do it at my current level is by talking to women working in the stores. I know it is not really approaching, but some work on the sarge is better than no work at all.

Anyway, I started coming in to stores talking to women employees, and loosening up, until I arrived at this place where they sold like shaving cream and stuff for men, and the girl there was cute. So I engage HB7 and ask her about after shaves, since I recently started using them and know about them:

I told her to show me what she had, and then asked specifically for non-alcohol type products (they cause dryness of skin. Any guy living in the Canadian Cold knows how annoying it is to go out in the freezing wind just after shaving, and what it feels like on the face). I guess that statement and others showed some authority from my part, maybe that's a display of high value of some sort.

Then I started teasing her about spying at other counters and about how she is doing industrial espionage on the other brands.

Then I went funny by telling her about how my grandfather was a classical guy in terms of shaving: shave with a nude razor blade, then put on some cologne to clean the cuts, and take the pain like a man (it's not lying it's flirting). It was fun, but not hilarious.

Finally, after mentioning that I was a retired porn actor, and am now an ass model, I finally had the guts to ask her contacts. In the past, even after maintaining a good vibe in a conversation with a women, I wouldn't dare to ask for anything, and would just say goodbye, and then kick myself. This time I told her something like: 'Hey you know what, you're interesting, we should continue this another time'. She said yeah sure, and then I asked her 'well what do you propose?'. We then agreed to exchange emails, and she went to the end of her counter to get a pen and paper. Now I have read that this is a good thing, that I made her work, that she got invested in the activity. I'm not sure about that, but I believe that it showed how interested she was in me, looking for writing material and all , and reading carefully my handwriting. (or maybe she just wanted to get rid of me hehe)

Anyway, I sent her a funny short email today, asked her opinion about something fun, and didn't ask specifically for a day 2. I'm going to leave it for after she replies and after we start talking on the phone.

So good points:
-first successful sarge.
-am starting to become aware and watch for clues in her body langage, to try and calibrate and see how she is perceiving me.
-finally dared to escalate and ask for a contact number.

Bad point:
-definitely wasn't the tightest game ever, it could be that she just liked me (like I said, I am cute and charming when I don't act like a wuss). But who cares, what matters are results.
-I am putting too much emphasis on this sarge, I should be out there getting 20 such numbers, and not stress about whether she is going to respond or flake on me, which is what is happening to me right now.

Still, all in all, a small but clear improvement over yesterday's me.

(patting myself on the back....)

Let the training continue,

F.

Body langage post

2005-12-23T01:42:00.000-05:00

Very interesting post from Psyneh's blog. It deals with the importance of body langage. I particularly noticed the fact that one should not put his hands in his pockets. Why is that? If it conveys a relaxed state, and if you are not holding anything or leaning on anything, but are standing, then what do you do with your hands?
Anyway, Psyneh's blog is pretty cool, so check it out for good material.

"C'est qui son dieu?"
F.

C+F good, rudeness BAD part 2

2005-12-23T00:37:00.000-05:00

After the first set (see previous post), it becomes easier to open people. My problem for the next two sets is that a lot of time I try to be c+f but it is just NOT funny, and downright rude sometimes. I think I was too aggressive a lot of times because I was trying to overcome giving off a beta impression, and also because I was focusing so much on not stalling.

--->Set 2, the "average" one:

This one is a 3-set, 3 girls, one cute (HB7, nice body), the other one somewhat UG, the last one major UG. I opened the HB7 with the Quebec-girls-short opener (see previous post). I have read a lot on group theory, and on how one should not open the target, but rather the ugly ones, but I didn't do it.
HB7 did not reject me, and answered the opener (don't remember what she said). She then asked me where I was from. I told her from Tanzania. I am not from there, but I said so because it is a relatively unknown country, and the name sounds cool. Plus, since I'm white and the country is in Africa, there was a lot of conversation potential.

Her: Where are you from?
Me: Tanzania.
Her: (has no clue where that is) Where is that?
My idea was go into C+F by busting her for not knowing where Tanzania was. I started by acting offended and proudly asked her how can she not have possibly heard of Tanzania. I then go into talking on how the Quebec school system is messed up, how the teaching level is low, and how students don't know anything.

Now, this part wasn't particularly funny (not at all actually), still since I was not beta-smiling my strong attitude was challenging to her, so she started qualifying herself: she started saying how she is a Psychology major, how her GPA is 3.8/4, etc... In my mind I was like WTF?? It really is the first time a girl is trying to impress me with her grades. Now that I think about it, THAT would have been good c+f, and I would have made the situation lighter if I had talked about how she was trying to impress me wit her grades, and smiling while I said so, etc...

However I didn't do that, instead I just thought that I have to avoid talking about grades (work or studies is no good for PU), so I told her in a serious manner that what I look for in a girl is her passion, her enthusiasm for life (you know, all that chick crack). I should have been aware that I hadn't made the girl laugh yet, not once.
Then the girl turns to one of her friends and repeats what I just said, about looking for passion and stuff. I still don't understand why she did that, it wasn't the classical "girl makes fun of guy by whispering in the ear of her friend". In order not to appear waiting for her, I first casually turned to another girl next to me, and stared at her for a while in a cool detached way. Then I looked at the third girl in my set, the UG one, and had a nice friendly nod to her, to which she responded, and we bumped our beer bottles.
The HB7 then proceeded to introduce me to the girls, I shook hand with the UG, then the other girl. Then I repeated the UG's name to be sure, then the other girl, but instead of repeating the HB7's name, I thought i would be cool if i dismissed it as unimportant.

That was the breaker, I realised later that I was on thin ice with HB7 since I had only my somewhat aggressive attitude going for me, I wasn't even entertaining her. When I dismissed her telling me her name, she was like oh alright, that's it then, and huddled with her friends. And I exited.

Good points: again the attitude is at least not beta anymore. However I am too aggressive and not funny. I should pay more attention to what effect I am having on the target with the attitude I'm projecting.
Bad points: not entertaining her: my attitude was challenging to her, so she responded to that, but at one point she started seeing me as rude. When she started telling me about her average for ex., I should have maybe found a way to give her a positive nod to that, or at least to turn it into something funny.

Anyway, as for set 3, well it was just terrible lol, I became downright creepy.

---> Set 3, the "bad" one:

We went to another club, and I also walked too much. Then I noticed this cute girl,and there was a short guy with her. I started thinking on what to do, then I noticed that the guy was actually hitting on her, so he wasn't her boyfriend or friend. So I stood next to her, our backs to the bar, and then I asked her what she was drinking.
Note: starting from here, in an attempt to avoid stalling, I started blurting whatever came to my mind. As you'll see it is not so good:

Me: Watcha drinking?
Her: Sex on the beach.
Me: That is not a popular drink in here.
Her: huh?
Me: Yeah, girls here tend to drink vodka and stuff (no clue what the hell im talking about lol)
Her: no response.
Me: I quickly went into my ShortGirls opener.
She responded, I also included the guy in the question (he was just standing there). She answers something, then says she has heels. She then asks me where I'm from, and I do the Tanzania thing. She again has no clue, and again I act all offended, and ask her how old she is. She says 17 (Yikes! i think legally if I did something with her it would be considered child abuse).
Then her girl friend joins us, and we're still talking about Tanzania, and I tell them it is in Africa. They are surprised because I'm white. I don't know what the hell I was doing after that, i guess just blurting anytthing in my mind: I told them that yes there are lots of white people in Africa, we the white people came and slaughtered the aboriginals, and by the way your ancestors too (pointing to the girls, who are white) when they came to North America they redefined the word massacre.

LOL as you can imagine, this went very bad! These girls are not even 18, they started looking at me in a horrified way, and the girl started to tell me that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, with all my stuff about killing people. I stared at her with a huge grin for a good while, which she held... (hey at least I was not BETA!! remember that I am still at the lowest rAFC level) and then left.

Funny enough, the guy actually complimented me on my act with the girls, and told me I was very cool. I take that positively, in the sense that I showed absolutely no fear. In that sense, I consider that night to be quite good.

Comments are of course more than welcome, cheers everyone.

"C'est qui son dieu?"
F.

FR: C & F good, rudeness bad! Part 1

2005-12-22T15:40:00.000-05:00

Okay first field report ever!

In my previous post I talked about how my low self-esteem has always messed up my relationships with girls. My main fear is in opening: I am so sensitive to criticism that any rejection affects me terribly. To be very honest, I am terrified with the cliche of people pointing a finger at me and laughing at me.This is why I have never so far really opened a set. My current "sarging" was limited to walking in the malls and shops and bookstores, and talking to people who work there (because they expect you to talk to them, so no risk of rejection there). I know...it's pathetic. As much as i try rationalizing, getting angry at myself, motivating myself, it has happened to me before that I go to a club with the specific goal of sarging, only to find myself unable to open a SINGLE set, not even girls on their own.

Anyway, this is why yesterday was a milestone, I finally managed to open a set. I have found that making eye contact first is a good idea, as it makes the inital talking more natural to me.
Of the main 3 sets I opened, things went from good, to average, too bad. I am still a beginner, so "good" for me means maintaining a fun conversation for some time. I will talk about all three of them in chronological order.

NOTE: my opener that entire night was one I invented on the spot: "Hi there, I need a female opinion on something...There is a theory that Quebec girls tend to be short...Is that true? why? etc...". I liked it, and it worked in opening sets, because it is very relevant (Since I AM in the province of Quebec, and girls DO tend to be short IMO). Also, it is about the girls themselves, their own favorite topic :-)

--> First set (the "good" one)
It was a one set, an HB6 objectively, but since she is my type (tall, thin, brunette), let's say HB7.
She was in the first club we went to, and as I was walking around the club a lot (I know, I know, one should not walk too much, it's AFC), I saw her several times, and she saw me too. Eventually I passed by her closely, made EC and opened her.

me: you-think-Quebec-girls-short??
her: don't remember what she said, but did not reject me, she answered, and then mentioned that she is from switzerland.
me: (i like this opener in that, no matter if she is a local or not, I can say: "oh good, then you know what you are talking about OR oh good, you have an outsider's insight on that matter" ). I then asked her about what she thought of Quebec girls in general. I specified the typical girl from here i.e. well dressed, take care of themselves, and VERY aggressive, even bitchy attitude for the prettier ones.
We then started talking about them, she said how much power they wield, how they pick up Quebec guys and not the other way around. So by contrast, the local guys here tend to be soft (read: pussies).
Note: This does not reflect my personal opinion, but I am seeing this type of behavior in guys quite a lot though.

Now for the interesting part of the sarge: when she mentioned that guys don't pick her up, I started the Cocky and Funny:
Me: So what you're saying is that you have been here for like 15 mins and no guy has talked to you.
her: yeah.
Me: so like, you, the TOP MODEL, have not been hit on so far this night.
her: starts to smile, she protests, small punch on stomach---> kino baby!!
Me: I continue the teasing, something around the lines of: "How is that possible!! How can guys NOT NOTICE you, oh my god what is wrong with the world!!". This is very much a part of me, i naturally start being loud, faking disbelief and utter amazement. It was working like a charm.
Eventually she asks about me, and i don't know how I talked on how nobody had hit on ME yet, wich is a basically a fresh spin on the teasing I had been throwing at her.

Me: "Yeah I can't believe nobody has spoken to me yet...I mean LOOK at me! How can that be???" (she is laughing, getting that I am still making fun of her).
Then I turn to the crowd and say :"Please, please someone hit on me!!"
She was laughing all the way now, lots of kino, hitting and punching nicely.

Eventually we talked about Switzerland, and I try continuing with the C&F, but it wasnt as good.
She mentioned she was from Lausanne, I mentioned that EVERY single Swiss I meet is from Lausanne, then I mention how utterly boring Switzerland must be, even Geneva, where everything closes early, bla bla bla.
In my opinion it was going quite well, then a guy friend from her group told her let's go to the dance floor. She was obviously hesitating, but since I didnt react quickly enough, she started going there. then she asked me what my name was, and I told her. she then told me her first boyfriend had the same name, which allowed me to be very C&F:
Me: in a very girly manner, faking being emotional "Oh my God that is SOO cute!".
She was laughing away, unfortunately i DIDNT number-close her. I thought that I would see her again later and then would resume the sarging, but didnt.

Good points: C & F works for me, and I seem to finally not come off as too beta-nice-boy at the first impression. I think it is because I don't smile, only grin, and am serious when starting with the opener. (Thank you David DeAngelo).
Another good point is that I have internalized some notions, like not flinching when she mentions her boyfriend and act as if she didnt, and reacting in a cool way to the punching and protesting.

Bad Point: I should've just number closed her, instead of counting on later sarging.

I will continue with the second and third sets in the next post.

"C'est qui son dieu?"
F.